rule of thirds kind of life

Anyone who knows me knows that one of my absolute favorite things in the entire universe are 90's sitcoms. I LOVE them. Boy Meets World, Family Matters, & Sabrina The Teenage Witch anyone?They just don't make shows like they used to (insert cane, old lady voice telling you how when I was little I used to have to walk to school in the snow, uphill both ways! ;) But it's true. They don't. I am only in my 20's and I feel like since I was a teenager EVERYTHING is so, so, SO completely different.

It's got me thinking a lot lately about the world. Like, in the big expanse of everyone on it. And our country. And just, how everything is changing so much, so rapidly. I mean, even in things as small as how different shows are nowadays to the fact that when I graduated high school VERY FEW kids there even had cell phones. If they did they were those candy bar nokia phones or those motorola razors- all they did was call and if you were lucky, you paid 10 cents per text. And most didn't have their own computer-just a shared one in a common room in the house. And that was just 10 years ago. 

Now, EVERYONE has a cell phone- the 5 year old I just babysat had a brand new cell that was an even bigger and more expensive model than my phone. EVERYONE has access to technology in their hands, at all times. It is a wonderful thing to have. So much good is done through these advances. And then there is the other side or the coin-  barely anyone even has face-to-face interaction anymore. Everyone seems to be constantly looking down, at this little glowing box in their hands. Constantly updating. Constantly looking for updates. Constantly posting. Constantly reading. Constantly playing. Constantly liking. Constantly disliking. Constantly sharing.Constantly comparing. Constantly texting, snapping,tweeting, gramming,you name it. It makes me sad. And this is coming from an introvert that very much loves my phone. 

With all the varying information, posts, opinions, etc that I see on a daily basis-it has just gotten me thinking a lot about what we are putting out into the world.

I see so many tutorials on how to contour your face, neck, and even body to look like a completely different person.

I see fashion posts of "I got this top here and these shoes here and this purse here."

I see constant pictures of food. The good, the bad, the in between.

I see constant cries for validation and attention and help.

I see bullying and harassment and hate.

I see confusion and hurt and complaining.

I see useless garbage. Every.Single.Day.

But I also see those who fight for what they believe.

I see love.

I see hope.

I see faith.

I see life and adventure and happiness and goodness.

THERE IS A FINE LINE IN EVERYTHING. 

I love that everyone has differing opinions. It is what makes us human. It is what makes us unique. It is what makes us free.

But I can't stand when opinions are forced on others as fact and arguments and hate ensue. That is useless. It does no good. It is not what having a difference of opinions should mean. You can agree to disagree RESPECTFULLY.  You can be on completely opposite sides and not be able to see another's point of view at all. BUT YOU DO NOT HAVE THE RIGHT TO TAKE AWAY SOMEONE'S HAPPINESS OR FREEDOM OR RIGHTS and treat them unkindly or unfairly.

If you disagree with something someone says, you are not forced to argue or make a degrading comment. Be fair. Be kind. Be wise.

If you get annoyed with an account, unfollow it.

If it makes you feel bad, don't look at it.

If you are constantly comparing and belittling yourself based on someone else's life- DON'T.

Don't compare and analyze and bash. Don't be so concerned on things that don't have value. Looks fade. Money gets spent. Clothes go out of style. 

Let's think more about:

WHAT AM I PUTTING OUT INTO THE WORLD? 

Is it good? Is it uplifting? Does it make you ponder? Inspire? Motivate? Uplift? Make someone laugh or smile?

I get it, BELIEVE ME, I GET IT- life is not a bed of roses. There are so many troubles and trials and hurts. And I am not denying their existence or removing myself from reality, I am not promoting denial.

I am promoting MAGNIFYING THE GOOD. Sharing goodness. Loving others. Loving ourselves. Being positive. Keeping unkind comments to ourselves. Focusing on the good and making others feel worthwhile and hopeful. Sharing things that are worthwhile and that MEAN SOMETHING. 

I love online shopping, tweeting, and instagram as the next person. And I am all about watching and sharing funny memes and cat videos and all the hilarity the internet has to offer. But I believe it is ALL ABOUT BALANCE. And I just know that I never want to be ashamed of what I have left in this world. I don't want it to be useless. I want to make people feel good. I want there to be meaning in my life. I want to actually experience a concert, party, sunset, new place, EVERYTHING- without constantly worrying about getting the perfect shot for instagram.

I want to post a picture solely because it was a good memory and it is a good way to remember it.

I want to not worry about how many likes I get or how many views are racked up.

I don't want to be constantly trying to compete with everyone else on social media in trying to make my life seem perfect one post at a time. I want real. I want meaning. I want goodness. And I intend on contributing to it.

I dare you to move

Well.

Here I am writing this from my hometown, in PA.

I am not in Utah anymore.

Back at the end of February I knew that my lease was ending within a few months, and that I had to be figuring out the next step in my life.

I made the decision to come back home and be around my family and look for some new dream on the east coast.

I was so excited about my decision. I couldn't wait to be within a reasonable distance to all my loved ones.

It all seemed so perfect, with my lease and job ending at the same time, and no prospects for a new job or place to live on the horizon, it seemed like everything was telling me to go.

I prayed about it. I prayed about it a LOT. Every day. And I told the Lord my decision to come back home. I never really felt one way or the other- like I had received a particular answer, like the Lord confirming YES, this was right.  But I never got a NO either. I figured the Lord was telling me to go for it, He would stop me if it wasn't what I was supposed to do. 

I started living my life with my mind constantly on "this isn't permanent, I will be going home soon."

Plans were made, I told everyone I was leaving. My room in my house was rented. My job was ending. My family purchased plane tickets and rented a car to come help me make the 2000 mile move. Everything seemed to be perfect.

But if I am being honest, I always had a bit of a funny feeling deep down about it. I figured it was just anxiousness about the move and fear over the whole "NOW WHAT??" scenario I'd be in again. But I wanted to make sure that I was making the right decision. So I started changing my prayers. I told the Lord that I had decided to move back to PA, and that if that was the wrong decision, I needed Him to stop me, because I had no reason to stay and every reason to go. Or so I thought.

And until mid April (aka 2 weeks before I was supposed to leave), I was positive I had mad the right choice. 

Then I visited the Temple, like I did every Sunday after church while in Utah. That Sunday I chose to go to Temple Square- the first time I had gone in my 6 months in Utah. As I walked around that beautiful, peaceful, perfect building, and sat on a nearby bench taking in its grandeur, I felt such pangs of sadness at the thought of leaving.  I tried my best to brush them aside, because duh I'd be sad, I had loved living in Utah. And who wouldn't be sad leaving such a beautiful place? But my time had run it's course. I had loved it. It was what I needed for those 6 months. Now on to different things. I was ready to be close to my family. I was ready for the east coast again. 

After leaving the Temple grounds I started on the drive down to Riverton to see Al Fox Carraway speak at a fireside. As I drove through downtown Salt Lake, I received the distinct impression, as if it were words coming to my mind that said 

"This isn't your last chapter in Utah." 

I was dumbstruck. And as I continued to drive and look at the mountains and take in the sky, I felt it again, "This isn't your last chapter in Utah." Again and again it came to me on the entire drive. I was becoming frustrated and I just tried to shut out my thoughts.

As I listened to Al speak, I could barely keep myself from falling apart. She told her story of how she was converted, and received the impression to move to Utah. She spoke of how hard it was for her (she's an east coast native, like me). She said how much she didn't understand it or really want to do it. But she also said how RIGHT it was and that she knew that's what she needed to do. Even if it didn't make sense. Even if it wasn't what she wanted. Even if  NO ONE else (including her) understood why she was doing it, she knew she needed to go. I was holding back sobs the entire time. Like, I'm talking the ugly, uncontrollable, makeup all over, red face, hysteric kind. I kept thinking "Is this your answer Heavenly Father? Is this you stopping me? Is this you telling me I need to be here???"

After the fireside I couldn't get to my car fast enough. As soon as I started to drive away, I began to pray, telling Heavenly Father that I was all set to go. I didn't have a place to live anymore. I didn't have a job anymore. Tickets were purchased. Plans were made. I wanted my family. I wanted to be on the east coast. Period. 

"WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME THIS NOW??" I practically shouted, sobbing uncontrollably. WHY? WHY? I DON'T UNDERSTAND! And I continued to tell Him all the reasons I needed to go. 

I didn't really get any peace. I didn't feel better. And for the next two weeks, my last days in Utah, I tried convincing myself that moving was the right thing to do. And I continued to tell myself that over and over again as I drove the 2000 miles home.

Life doesn't make sense at all to me right now. I have no idea what I am doing. I feel guilty all the time because all I can think about doing is leaving. And no one will understand that. And they will be upset at my leaving. But it's what I know deep in my heart is right. And because now, it is what I want to do. It messes with all my plans. It makes no sense. And I have absolutely no idea how I am going to make it happen, or when, or anything. But I do know one thing: Heavenly Father answers prayers. And they never seem to be in the way you think they should or would be. But I know that everything He does is for my eternal good and happiness. 

I know that I can trust Him and that He understands perfectly why He needs me where He does. I know that He is patient and loving and forgiving, even when I am stubborn and make choices that I shouldn't. Even when I lack faith. 

He loves me still

And that, is all I need to know right now.

I can't decide

When I was about 20 or 21, I had a decision to make. A decision involving a boy. I had to decide to either pursue a relationship with him, and wait for him (despite the time, distance, and unsurety), or simply put, to not wait and pursue other things.

I have grown up a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I have been taught ever since I can remember about prayer, and that God answers prays. I never had any real problem receiving answers before. And I thought this was no exception. I don't remember an absolute specific time asking the Lord if it was right to wait for him. But he was a good guy, a priesthood holder, a best friend of mine, that I truly loved at that point in my life. It seemed like an obvious answer- DUH, wait for him. He could be your eternal companion, yo!

So wait I did. And I waited faithfully. I remember my mom saying she was worried that I was missing out on opportunities because of him, but I staunchly denied that and recommitted to my patience, and my waiting, thinking FOR SURE I was doing the right thing.

When he returned home, I thought, THIS was it. I really felt like my prayers were answered. I remember sitting next to him the day after he got back as we were eating dinner with his family, and without my asking for it, I just received SUCH a strong impression that I was sitting next to my future husband. It was such a peaceful and happy feeling, and I was sure that it was a very clear confirmation that I had chosen correctly- that I had followed the Lord's will in waiting for him, that it was right.

Fast forward 4 months to me collapsing on the stairs in my house sobbing uncontrollably, feeling literally broken from the inside out. This boy had chosen not to be with me. I had been wrong in waiting.

I'm not trying to turn this into a pity fest or a sob story, but it serves as a necessary background to what I've been thinking a lot about ever since that day, every time I make a decision- and there have been a LOT of big decisions since that time in my life. I have struggled since that day to come to grips with my choice.

Did I really make the right choice? 

Was the Lord telling me no all along and I just ignored Him?

Had I really received the answer I thought I had to that prayer?And if I did- WHY had it turned out that way? 

Why was I left with nothing? 

Why didn't it turn out like it was 'supposed' to?

 Did he receive the same answer I did and just chose differently? 

Or was it me that had received an answer and chosen differently? 

WHY HAD IT HAPPENED? 

I had prayed so much, exercised so much faith, put in so much trust and hope and work. Needless to say, that experience absolutely bewildered me and shook me to the core. I didn't know if Heavenly Father really answered prayers anymore. I didn't think He heard me. I didn't have faith in the process of prayer anymore.

Since then, in the almost 5 years since that happened, I have been haunted by that experience more than I have realized. It took me years to realize how little trust I had in getting answers to prayers anymore. I thought as my heart healed, and as I regained my faith that had been broken, that the whole answers to prayer thing would just heal too. But every time I have had to make life decisions, it haunts me, and it has taken me all this time to REALLY come to grips with it.

I was talking to my mom on the phone about a big decision I have in my life right now. And she said to me 

"McKenzie, you need to trust. You trust the Lord, which is wonderful and right, but you need to trust YOURSELF too."

It hit me, hard. I don't trust myself when I make decisions, even when I am prayerful about them. Which I am, ALL the time. I never make a big decision without the Lord. But even when I feel like He has given me a "yes," I doubt it. In the back of my mind I think back to the "yes" I thought I had gotten before, and how horribly that turned out. And it paralyzes me. And I doubt my decision. Even with a feeling of "yes" from the Lord it truly is rare for me to feel ALL IN about something. I analyze it OH so much. I take away the peace that should be mine. I have so much anxiety.

But, it is teaching me so much. Even as I write this I am getting clarity. I truly believe that those years ago, I did get a yes. Why wouldn't it have been? That was the ideal. If that boy had acted according to correct principles, and not out of fear, and been the man he was supposed to be, there was every reason in the world we would have been wonderful together if he had kept choosing the right. It could have been a yes.

But that's just it. You can't force people. God doesn't force people. He doesn't make you choose the right, even if it effects someone else's life- like his choice effected and even changed mine. I learned a very crucial and difficult lesson because of that. It may not have been fair, BUT it was what I needed.  

And now, I see that it is for the best that the whole situation with him turned out the way it did. And I am grateful that because of that experience, I have changed 1000%. Most of the time I feel like I don't even know that girl from those years ago. 

I may still have lingering doubts and difficulties with receiving answers to prayers but it comes down to this-
I KNOW THAT HEAVENLY FATHER ANSWERS PRAYERS. 

All of them. Every single last one.

Whether it is with a yes

no

not now

or silence for a time.

Prayers ARE answered. Because He loves us. Absolutely and perfectly. He wants to lead and guide and help and answer. Our part is to decide, to pray,and to move forward TRUSTING that He will answer in one way, at one time or another. That NO MATTER WHAT IT WILL BE OKAY. No matter how it turns out. 

Hold to hope, pray unceasingly, & trust in His will, timing, and plan.

And then there were 27

Wow. Another year has come and gone and I am still in shock. I turned 27 a few weeks ago and let me tell you....that is even more of a shock, yo! I can't believe it. For a bit I was struggling with the idea of entering my late 20's. I don't know if I am the only one who does this but I kind of tend to treat my birthdays like New Years. I look back on the year, I take stock, and sadly most of the time... I make myself feel like horse poop.

It's easy to compare your life to the picture you have in your head of how things should be. And truth be told, if you have a picture in your head of how it's supposed to be, it's pretty near perfection. And that makes real life REAL hard to measure up. Especially when you are using a skewed yardstick like most of us tend to do and are super hard on ourselves. I know I am.

I tend to get disappointed with things and think to myself "This is SO not what I pictured I would be like, or how things would be when I was (insert age)!"

And before you know it I am stuck in the comparison trap.

I compare my life to others.

I compare my circumstances to others.

I compare how I handle things to how others do.

I compare what others have to what I have.

I compare my body, hair, makeup, talents, etc to all those seemingly perfect girls around me and blogs plastered all over the place.

And pretty quickly I feel like I come up ridiculously short.

But you know what I have finally started to realize?

I AM ME. There is NO one else who is me or ever will be, EVER.

Heavenly Father created me individually. He has molded my life individually. He has blessed me individually. He has loved me individually. He never intended for me to measure myself or my blessings by the yardsticks of others. He just want me to try my best, and be measured against what HE wants for me. And that changes daily. Sometimes my efforts for the day are amazing. I accomplish a lot. I use my talents. I serve. I study and pray more. I do better. Then some days are really hard, and I fall SO short from the day before. But you know what? If I am having a hard day He isn't expecting me to be my best self from another day. My best self for that day is what He wants. And He accepts my meager efforts, because sometimes that is all I can manage. He just says, "That's ok, try a little harder tomorrow."

He is not hard on us. WE are hard on us.

And when we compare ourselves and our lives to others it is only being ungrateful for the multitude of blessings He has given US individually.

I went into 27 with a much better attitude than I have the past few birthdays. He has blessed me to learn SO much over the past few years of my life. I have been stretched to the point of breaking. There have been trials I never would have wanted in a million years. There have been days so incredibly hard I couldn't picture them ever being even close to "good" again.

But over these last few years there has been SO much growth. I have been given SO much. I have been blessed WAY more that I have been hurt. Everything that has been a trial has turned into a blessing, or is on its way into turning into a blessing.

26 was SO good to me. I am so grateful for this year.

I crossed some major items of my bucket list like going to California and dipping my feet in the Pacific Ocean (which was a trip I WON, HECK yeah!)

I got 2 amazing jobs with families that I absolutely LOVED and were SUCH blessings to me

I expanded my photography skills and business

I traveled around and took day trips

I saw One Direction in concert TWICE, one if them was in FRONT ROW!!

I read the Book of Mormon 5 times

I started my own business selling shirts and prints I have spent years working on

(Wow as I read that I have a lot of blog posts to catch up on...haha...)

I am so grateful He has given me another year to be SO blessed. 27 is exciting! I can't wait to see what happens this year. I plan on making it AMAZING.

L I F E

Oh, life.

So much has been going on since I last wrote. And a lot of it has been really difficult. There have been days I haven't wanted to get up out of bed or even change out of my pjs. 

It's amazing how different life can be from what you expected. For both good, and bad. There have been a lot of challenges and lessons the Lord seems to be wanting me to have and to learn. And one of the things I am constantly being reminded of is the fact that He knows best. He knows what He is doing. And I can trust Him with my life. 

I remember back when my best friend and I were entering our twenties. She was home from college and we were visiting, having one of our many,many, MANY life talks. You know, the ones that are really deep and you just pour your heart out and your worries and your fears and hopes and dreams come busting out till the early hours of the morning. We were talking about the future, and how we were worried about what our futures held, we were questioning God's plan for us, and allowing ourselves to feel doubt and fear. Well, mostly me. And I will never forget my friend's response to my many "WHAT IF" questions. She said

"McKenzie, all I know is it's called 'The Plan of Happiness.' He WANTS US TO BE HAPPY. And even when we don't understand how, that's what is going to happen."

I was so humbled and taken aback by her very honest, yet very simple response. It hit me how true it is.

I KNOW that no matter what happens, Heavenly Father wants us to be happy. 

I KNOW that He is working in our lives to make our ETERNAL happiness possible. Because I don't know about you, but that, when you think about it, is really what's important to me. The FOREVER part. And we CAN be eternally happy, in His presence if we hold on and follow His ways while we are here in this life.

I KNOW that Heavenly Father and His Son, Jesus Christ live.

I KNOW they love me. And they love you too.

I KNOW that even though there are hard days, days you don't know how you can possibly take anymore, days that your best effort is just to manage to get up and get dressed (or who am I kidding, just getting up period), THERE IS REASON FOR HOPE. We are never, ever alone. Everything that happens DOES happen for a reason. And we can trust in His plan, His purposes, and His timing. For surely they are SO much better than our own. They are far better and more than what our small, finite, mortal brains can even imagine.

I am not a stop along the way. I am the destination.

With all the hype surrounding Valentine's Day, it got me thinking, as lover of love and a total hopeless romantic I actually truly enjoy Valentine's Day, even though I am single. GASP. I know, I know. Aren't I supposed to be wallowing in misery, stuffing my face with chocolate, weeping into my pillow because Mr. Right has not yet graced me with his presence and I am forced to spend yet another holiday focused on l.o.v.e. alone?

Nope. Not this girl.

You see, I have had Valentine's days where I was not single. I was in a relationship.  But you know what? Those were some of the most lonely Valentine's Days of my life.  

Why? Because I was in a relationship I shouldn't have been in.  I was with a guy who did not treat me like he loved me. Who did not value me. Who did not treasure or cherish me. Who, heck, didn't even bring me flowers or chocolates or even a stupid teddy bear that cost 2 bucks at Wal Mart ONCE. No, not once in the 8 years of on and off again dating did he buy me even one small trinket to show his affection.  He treated me like I was just some passing phase in his life, an OPTION, not a PRIORITY. 

A stop along the way, not a destination.

I am not putting all the blame on this boy. I take responsibility for accepting whatever sub-par, minuscule, ridiculous treatment/attention he graced me with.  I didn't see how incredibly wrong and horrible our relationship was at the time. It wasn't until him ripping my heart out of my butt and months and months of healing, praying, pondering, and learning to love myself happened that I realized I deserved more.  Much, much more. And I want more.

I am not something to be passed by.

I am not something that isn't worthy of attention.

I am not something you bide your time with, waiting  to see if something better comes along.

I am not something you see if you can "fit in" to your time, your schedule, your life when/ if it happens to suit you.

I am not an option. I am a priority.

I am not a stop along the way. I am the destination.

Realizing these things have been nothing short of life-altering.  It has changed the way I view myself, my time spent, who I spend it with, how I think about myself and others, how I treat others, what treatment I expect and accept from others, and who/how I consider dating.

I will not settle for a boy who doesn't treat me with respect and love.

I will not settle for a boy who does not see me as the Daughter of God that I am.

I will not settle for a boy who does not treat me right, who is thoughtless and selfish.

I will not settle for a boy who treats me like just another stop along the way. 

I will be with a man who sees me as the destination. Who cherishes, loves, confides in, needs, wants, and cares for me, because I know that is what I deserve, because that is what I give in return.

I just want to shout on the rooftops to anyone, male or female, who has been or is in a relationship where you are being neglected, mistreated, abused, what have you, that YOU DO NOT HAVE TO SETTLE.  Do not just be with someone because you are afraid to be alone. Don't ignore red flags if they are there. Do not allow someone to make you feel like you aren't more than whatever bad treatment they can dish out.

This Valentine's Day I won't have a significant other, but I won't be sad. I will be with my friends, being HAPPY because I choose not to settle. I choose to be happy. I chose to have hope because I know that someday there will be a man that comes along, to me, happily stopping at his destination.

Dear 20, Love 26

You know what it crazy to me?

How time can absolutely fly by, and slow down, at the same time.

Right now I cannot believe that I turned 26 last month.  I seriously have no idea how I got here.  I feel like I just turned 20.  

But, I feel like 20 was a lifetime ago.Yet it feels like yesterday. Strange.

How did six years pass by without me even realizing it?

 I feel like if I passed my 20 year old self on the street I would hardly recognize her.

It got me thinking...if I somehow could see my 20 year old self, and tell her things about herself, warn her about things I know would be coming for her, comfort her, give her advice, tell her what would happen in the next six years....

would I?

You see, the past few years I have struggled severely with regret.  It was something I had never really thought of before. Something that never bothered me.  Something I never worried about. I guess that's because up until the past few years, I had never done anything worthy of real regret.

I am not talking about sin, and big mistakes involving things of that nature. But I am talking about big life decisions that I have made and have come to utterly, completely, and painfully regret. A powerful, overwhelming feeling of regret that has kept me up at night.  Regret that has left me feeling lost and confused.  Regret that makes me feel angry at myself, and others.  Regret that has left me crying till my eyes can't cry anymore. Regret that has at times, made me bitter.  Regret that had me asking

 "BUT  W H A T  I F..."

or saying  "I F  O N L Y   I   H A D/H A D N' T..."

 or  "I   W I S H   I   N E V E R..."

But the regret has taught me something-NOT to regret. No matter how many times you go over scenarios in your head, you cannot change the past.  The absolute best thing you can do is to say"oops, my bad"

 pray- trusting that Heavenly Father knows what is best for you

 and MOVE ON. 

Go forward with what you have learned and try not to make the same mistakes twice.  Make the most of the situations at hand.  Forgive where forgiveness is needed, and this includes forgiving YOURSELF. As Timone and Pumbaa would say "You gotta put your past behind ya." Know that wherever you have ended up now, you are never starting over from scratch, you are starting anew with additional experience, learning, and understanding. 

I know that I have made some REALLY horrible decisions that have cost me dearly-

(i.e. loving a boy for years who did NOT deserve me, who never treated me right, and took me for granted, and tore my beating heart out of my chest..but that's a different story for a different post)

but I KNOW that I have fought hard to become this woman I am today because of these things.  I know that the Lord has loved me through everything, and I have  grown to love Him so much more through everything. And that who I am today, standing here, newly 26, is a completely different and BETTER woman because of my choices and my experiences. And if my 26 year old self passed my 20 year old self on the street, I still don't know for sure what I would say to her,  if I would tell her to

 "RUN AS FAST AS SHE CAN the other way from that boy", or to 

"go to that college after all", or to

"love yourself NOW."

Or maybe I would say nothing at all, and just give her a knowing, reassuring smile because now I KNOW she will be ok. That even though I know the choices she is making will cause her serious regret and heartache, she will one day be me, the 26 year old woman 

who values herself and her time

who is working on bettering and loving herself daily

who doesn't accept less than what she deserves

who knows that she is a daughter of God, and deserves people in her life who sees and treat her as such

a woman who doesn't settle and is freaking ROCKIN' it making her dreams come true, even if they took a regret or ten along the way...

You're Gonna Hear Me Roar

I have had this blog for almost two years now. And in the past year (and a half if we are being honest) it has been severely neglected.  I have been so busy...with a lot of things. One of them being I get so caught up and distracted with reading other blogs that I never have time to do my own.  And then there's that little comparison monster that creeps in and tells me I haven't had anything good to say compared to these people. And these girls have perfect lives, they aren't anything like me. But lately it hit me...I love reading blogs where the authors are REAL. They pour their hearts out. They talk about REAL things going on in their lives, past and present. Good AND bad. Not just superficial things. They help people, just by sharing, and letting others know they aren't alone in how they feel, or in having bad experiences. 

It got me thinking.... I have been so quiet on my OWN blog. Especially lately.  And I feel like I am almost a completely different person than when I started this thing in the very beginning of 2012. And you know what? I have a lot to say! (these realizations could be due to the fact that I have been obsessed with Katy Perry's 'Roar' lately). And up until now I have been very, very private with my personal life.  I never wanted to talk about things that have happened in my life.  I have barely written personal things in my own journal about my private life. Part of the reason for that is there have been some very difficult and heart-breaking experiences. And it's like I didn't want to record them for anyone to ever read them, I felt like they were too near, too painful, too recent, too humiliating. And even in writing, it had always been very difficult for me to share what I am feeling. So I only alluded to them in past posts. Actually, like only one of them.

But things are different now, and because of these experiences, I have been learning how to open up. And I have decided to open up about my life. To use my tiny corner of the internet for good.  To maybe let someone else out there know that they aren't the only one to feel the way they do. 

I am not saying I am depressed. I am not saying I have a horrible life. I am not saying that I have had the most difficult, horrible experiences that are possible to have.  I AM saying that I have been hurt. That I have made mistakes. That I have lost myself. That I have been betrayed. That I have been broken so deeply I never thought I could heal. That I survived what was, at the time, my worst nightmare.  But, most importantly, that I have learned. That I have been blessed beyond measure. That I have grown. That I have loved. That I have been loved. That my testimony is strong. That I know things horrible things happen, but there is ALWAYS hope. That I KNOW my Redeemer lives, and HE is what has gotten me though everything and anything. That I have always had a light, not at the end of the tunnel and something always off in the distance, but right beside me leading me out of the dark. My Savior. And I know He lives. And I know that there's a purpose in EVERYTHING we are called to go through. I saw a quote recently by Brigham Young that said 

"Every trial and experience you have passed through is necessary for your salvation." 

I know that He would never allow me to hurt more than necessary. And that no matter what He calls me to pass through while on this earth, it will be MORE than worth it when I leave this earth. 

So here's to opening up, and sharing my stories. And you know what?

You're gonna hear me roar.

Life Tip #3,301- Make Sure Your Blind Date Speaks Your Language

(sadly, my sister lost the one picture we got as proof of that hilariously horrible night, but I figured a picture of me and my 20 year old naive self from that same year could suffice)

So a few years ago when my sister was in college, I, for some STRANGE reason (which I still do not understand) let my sister convince me to go to a college dance with her.  She said that she and her ex boyfriend had found a date for me already, all I had to do was come. Hmmm...

Red flag number one.

Well, I should have considered the fact that my sister's psycho EX was the one setting me up with a date, and that's really not the best idea in the first place. 

 Red flag number two.

Not to mention, going on a double date with your sister, her ex, and a complete stranger just MIGHT be a little awkward in and of itself. 

Red flag number three.

But, I went down in faith that it was going to be a fun, memorable night! 

                                                                                                     ....Well, it WAS memorable.

After going on a day trip with my sister, her ex, and their horrible,erratic driver of a professor, we came back to my sister's apartment to get ready for the dance.  I was barely getting over my lingering carsickness from the day's trip with the nutty professor, but I managed to get ready and feel semi-okay.  Then I overheard my sister and her ex on the phone talking.... and it turns out my sister's ex met my date... at a construction site.  Red flag number four.

After having a slight freak out and telling my sister I no longer wanted to go and trying to get out of it,  my sister's ex and my date showed up.  This is the part of the story where I would love to say that he was tall, dark, handsome, mysteriously sexy, and tanned from his long hours in the sun working, and that all of my anxiety over going out with this construction-site-find-of-a stranger was erased. 

                                                Well...he was about 2 inches shorter than me, very shy, and barely spoke a lick of English.   

Red flag number five.

Needless to say the night was full of awkward silences, saying "I'm sorry, what was that?," awkward slow dances looking down at my date, and trying to understand each other over the loud music and obvious language barrier. AWK.WARD.NESS.  

Now, my sister and I laugh until we cry about that night.  And now I know: Never let your sister's ex set you up with a blind date. And if you, for some reason do, make SURE they speak your language.

25 and stayin' alive! (ah, ah, ah, ah)

Welp, it happened.  Today I officially became an old lady.

I turned 25.

I remember as a little girl daydreaming, wondering 

"I wonder what I will look like when I am 25? "

"I wonder what I will be doing when I am 25?"

"I wonder what I will be like when I am 25?"

And after having a very heartbreaking experience last year around this time, I went into 2012 dreading turning 25 at the end of the year.  I was still struggling so much to accept what had happened and to move forward with my life.  I subconsciously put a mental expiration date on myself saying, "if I am not at my dream job...or....if I am not dating somebody else seriously...or...if I haven't moved out to my dream city by the time I turn 25,  I am useless, I am a failure."

And up until the end of the summer, I mentally beat the crap out of myself for not abiding by my timeline, my "usefulness expiration date."  I became more and more disappointed with myself because none of these things had panned out for me yet.

And then, by the Lord's tender mercy something clicked.  I realized how hard I was being on myself.  And that was big.  I never,ever had realized what ridiculous timelines I put myself on, I never realized how I would be SO hard on myself for not accomplishing things I thought I wanted to, when I wanted to.  And because I recognized this, I was able to begin to change it.

I realized that hey, just because some total clueless jerk broke your heart doesn't make you unlovable...it just means you deserve and want better. And he wasn't it.

Just because you haven't been able to afford that apartment you've been dreaming of moving to for so long yet doesn't mean it won't happen, it just means you are where you are supposed to be for now.

Just because you aren't at your dream job yet doesn't mean you won't have it...it just means you have a purpose to serve at the one you are at now.

And, just because things aren't like you pictured them at 25, doesn't mean they aren't good.

Expirations on people do not exist.  Sure, we all physically die and leave this earth some day, but we have NOW. We always have now.  

Treasure it, cherish it, live it, love it, NOW.  Make changes that need to happen.  Let yourself grow.  Work on your dreams.  Don't give up or beat yourself up.  The Lord has a plan for everyone, and He loves us all individually, and perfectly, even though we are not perfect.  He doesn't put us on timelines, when we mess up He doesn't say "Alright, that's it, you only have till your (insert age) to get it right!" He says, "It's ok, try again tomorrow.  Let me show you that what I have planned for you is bigger and better than your plans."

I am alive. Simply saying that puts a smile on my face because this time last year I didn't think I could survive.

But I did. And I am better. Stronger.  Older. Wiser. More blessed.

Here I am. all 25 years of me, failures, trials, experiences, scars, lessons, blessings, and all. I am alive and I am grateful to be 25.

"What I need is the dandelion in the spring..."

Two things you should know about me:

One

I love Etsy. Like, LOOOOVE it.

Two

I love, love, LOOOOVE The Hunger Games. Peeta? Peeta anyone?

Seriously, after reading the trilogy and seeing the first movie I am dying already for the next 2 to come out.

So, I don't know why it took me so long to look up The Hunger Games items on Etsy. And now, I am glad I did. Behold, my new favorite necklace:

After having my world falling apart last year, this quote from Mockingjay really hit home:

"What I need is the dandelion in the spring. 

The bright yellow that means rebirth instead of destruction.

The promise that life can go on, 

no matter how bad our losses.

That it can be good again."

I wear this necklace close to my heart now, not only because of my love for this quote and the book series,  but because it holds a special place in my heart. It IS true, life can and does go on, no matter what we've gone through, no matter what we've lost.  Heavenly Father will help and heal you and bless you with peace and happiness and hope. Life IS good, and I am so grateful.

Be Prepared To Cry

I have been hooked on watching some of the Mormon Message videos lately.  I have been having a rough time with some things that have happened in my life and there just always seems to be a message in these videos meant just for me, that the Lord knows I need to hear.
I found this video a few years ago when it first came out, and I am sure the Lord lead me to it at a time when I REALLY needed it, just He has lead me to find it again now, as I needed to hear these words again.
This is truly a touching video with an incredible message, I totally recommend it to anyone, and hope it touches you like it does me.
Just get the tissues ready...

The Hot German Life Guard Who Gave Me Sun Poisoning

I just got back from my first vacation in 5 years!!! (9 if you don't count that "vacation" driving across the country 5 people to a 5 passenger car in the middle of the summer in 2007)

  I had SUCH a good week!! I feel so refreshed,  that is, when I am not moving...

because every move I make hurts...

and this is why:

(right-me, left-my sis. pardon the immodesty, it hurts to wear anything but tank tops and even that is pushing it)

Yeah, painful. Real painful. And this picture doesn't even begin to do it justice, haha. I am seriously red. I look like  I am wearing a white bathing suit top over a red jumpsuit.

 Hot, I know ;)

I ended my awesome vacation getting incredibly sick with sun poisoning...i.e. chills, hot flashes, nausea, aches, etc. Not fun.

So the moral of the story is: WEAR SUN SCREEN YO! Especially if you are fair skinned, and NO MATTER how distracted you are by the hot,blonde, German life guard watching you at the pool.

Being Able to Laugh

Last night my sister and I were sitting getting ready to watch some Avonlea (LOVE this show, more on that later) and we started joking around about the year that was 2011. We both had quite a difficult year (more on that later too) and we started coming up with two word sentences to describe it. 
Here's what we came up with for my year:

You will notice that I was not just majorly tested, I was even more richly blessed.  All of the bad came from one experience, but it was the most signifigant experience of my life. The short version is: I was friends with a boy for several years, and we dated each other on and off in that time.  Then we ended up writing each other on his 2 year mission, and decided to be together when he got back. Well,  after months of dating when he returned home, it ended. I didn't see it coming. And I was devestated.

But you know what? When my sister and I were making up my list, we laughed and laughed till we cried.  To say that was a 'big deal' is in no way giving it the credit it needs.  I have wanted for months to be able to look back on that chapter of my life and to just...laugh.  To not just see it as such a horrible, painful experience.  And I am SO grateful I am able to be able to see the good that has come from this, which I didn't know was possible.

I am SO blessed.  My compassion and understanding has grown in leaps and bounds.  My testimony and understanding of the Atonement and it's importance is so much more profound and deep in my heart. I could not have grown in this way if it were not for this experience, and for my Savior helping me to get through it.

And now, I can look back and laugh.  And that blessing, is more than I could have ever asked for in 2011.