I can't decide

When I was about 20 or 21, I had a decision to make. A decision involving a boy. I had to decide to either pursue a relationship with him, and wait for him (despite the time, distance, and unsurety), or simply put, to not wait and pursue other things.

I have grown up a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I have been taught ever since I can remember about prayer, and that God answers prays. I never had any real problem receiving answers before. And I thought this was no exception. I don't remember an absolute specific time asking the Lord if it was right to wait for him. But he was a good guy, a priesthood holder, a best friend of mine, that I truly loved at that point in my life. It seemed like an obvious answer- DUH, wait for him. He could be your eternal companion, yo!

So wait I did. And I waited faithfully. I remember my mom saying she was worried that I was missing out on opportunities because of him, but I staunchly denied that and recommitted to my patience, and my waiting, thinking FOR SURE I was doing the right thing.

When he returned home, I thought, THIS was it. I really felt like my prayers were answered. I remember sitting next to him the day after he got back as we were eating dinner with his family, and without my asking for it, I just received SUCH a strong impression that I was sitting next to my future husband. It was such a peaceful and happy feeling, and I was sure that it was a very clear confirmation that I had chosen correctly- that I had followed the Lord's will in waiting for him, that it was right.

Fast forward 4 months to me collapsing on the stairs in my house sobbing uncontrollably, feeling literally broken from the inside out. This boy had chosen not to be with me. I had been wrong in waiting.

I'm not trying to turn this into a pity fest or a sob story, but it serves as a necessary background to what I've been thinking a lot about ever since that day, every time I make a decision- and there have been a LOT of big decisions since that time in my life. I have struggled since that day to come to grips with my choice.

Did I really make the right choice? 

Was the Lord telling me no all along and I just ignored Him?

Had I really received the answer I thought I had to that prayer?And if I did- WHY had it turned out that way? 

Why was I left with nothing? 

Why didn't it turn out like it was 'supposed' to?

 Did he receive the same answer I did and just chose differently? 

Or was it me that had received an answer and chosen differently? 

WHY HAD IT HAPPENED? 

I had prayed so much, exercised so much faith, put in so much trust and hope and work. Needless to say, that experience absolutely bewildered me and shook me to the core. I didn't know if Heavenly Father really answered prayers anymore. I didn't think He heard me. I didn't have faith in the process of prayer anymore.

Since then, in the almost 5 years since that happened, I have been haunted by that experience more than I have realized. It took me years to realize how little trust I had in getting answers to prayers anymore. I thought as my heart healed, and as I regained my faith that had been broken, that the whole answers to prayer thing would just heal too. But every time I have had to make life decisions, it haunts me, and it has taken me all this time to REALLY come to grips with it.

I was talking to my mom on the phone about a big decision I have in my life right now. And she said to me 

"McKenzie, you need to trust. You trust the Lord, which is wonderful and right, but you need to trust YOURSELF too."

It hit me, hard. I don't trust myself when I make decisions, even when I am prayerful about them. Which I am, ALL the time. I never make a big decision without the Lord. But even when I feel like He has given me a "yes," I doubt it. In the back of my mind I think back to the "yes" I thought I had gotten before, and how horribly that turned out. And it paralyzes me. And I doubt my decision. Even with a feeling of "yes" from the Lord it truly is rare for me to feel ALL IN about something. I analyze it OH so much. I take away the peace that should be mine. I have so much anxiety.

But, it is teaching me so much. Even as I write this I am getting clarity. I truly believe that those years ago, I did get a yes. Why wouldn't it have been? That was the ideal. If that boy had acted according to correct principles, and not out of fear, and been the man he was supposed to be, there was every reason in the world we would have been wonderful together if he had kept choosing the right. It could have been a yes.

But that's just it. You can't force people. God doesn't force people. He doesn't make you choose the right, even if it effects someone else's life- like his choice effected and even changed mine. I learned a very crucial and difficult lesson because of that. It may not have been fair, BUT it was what I needed.  

And now, I see that it is for the best that the whole situation with him turned out the way it did. And I am grateful that because of that experience, I have changed 1000%. Most of the time I feel like I don't even know that girl from those years ago. 

I may still have lingering doubts and difficulties with receiving answers to prayers but it comes down to this-
I KNOW THAT HEAVENLY FATHER ANSWERS PRAYERS. 

All of them. Every single last one.

Whether it is with a yes

no

not now

or silence for a time.

Prayers ARE answered. Because He loves us. Absolutely and perfectly. He wants to lead and guide and help and answer. Our part is to decide, to pray,and to move forward TRUSTING that He will answer in one way, at one time or another. That NO MATTER WHAT IT WILL BE OKAY. No matter how it turns out. 

Hold to hope, pray unceasingly, & trust in His will, timing, and plan.

Well heyyyy there!

I can't believe how fast 2014 is FLYING by. I had such good intentions for keeping up with my blog this year. I can't believe it has been 6+ months since I last posted. But hey, whatcha gonna do? Oh well. 

I have been seriously busy with SO many things this year. One of them being this little ditty one of my best friends and I have started together:

That's right! We started a dating blog.  We both have lots of opinions, crazy experiences, stories, and insights to share about our journeys in the dating world.  We would love for you to follow along. You can find our new blog, Boyless in the Burbs HERE.

And of course stick around this little bloggie of mine too. I have some seriously exciting things coming up! 

I am not a stop along the way. I am the destination.

With all the hype surrounding Valentine's Day, it got me thinking, as lover of love and a total hopeless romantic I actually truly enjoy Valentine's Day, even though I am single. GASP. I know, I know. Aren't I supposed to be wallowing in misery, stuffing my face with chocolate, weeping into my pillow because Mr. Right has not yet graced me with his presence and I am forced to spend yet another holiday focused on l.o.v.e. alone?

Nope. Not this girl.

You see, I have had Valentine's days where I was not single. I was in a relationship.  But you know what? Those were some of the most lonely Valentine's Days of my life.  

Why? Because I was in a relationship I shouldn't have been in.  I was with a guy who did not treat me like he loved me. Who did not value me. Who did not treasure or cherish me. Who, heck, didn't even bring me flowers or chocolates or even a stupid teddy bear that cost 2 bucks at Wal Mart ONCE. No, not once in the 8 years of on and off again dating did he buy me even one small trinket to show his affection.  He treated me like I was just some passing phase in his life, an OPTION, not a PRIORITY. 

A stop along the way, not a destination.

I am not putting all the blame on this boy. I take responsibility for accepting whatever sub-par, minuscule, ridiculous treatment/attention he graced me with.  I didn't see how incredibly wrong and horrible our relationship was at the time. It wasn't until him ripping my heart out of my butt and months and months of healing, praying, pondering, and learning to love myself happened that I realized I deserved more.  Much, much more. And I want more.

I am not something to be passed by.

I am not something that isn't worthy of attention.

I am not something you bide your time with, waiting  to see if something better comes along.

I am not something you see if you can "fit in" to your time, your schedule, your life when/ if it happens to suit you.

I am not an option. I am a priority.

I am not a stop along the way. I am the destination.

Realizing these things have been nothing short of life-altering.  It has changed the way I view myself, my time spent, who I spend it with, how I think about myself and others, how I treat others, what treatment I expect and accept from others, and who/how I consider dating.

I will not settle for a boy who doesn't treat me with respect and love.

I will not settle for a boy who does not see me as the Daughter of God that I am.

I will not settle for a boy who does not treat me right, who is thoughtless and selfish.

I will not settle for a boy who treats me like just another stop along the way. 

I will be with a man who sees me as the destination. Who cherishes, loves, confides in, needs, wants, and cares for me, because I know that is what I deserve, because that is what I give in return.

I just want to shout on the rooftops to anyone, male or female, who has been or is in a relationship where you are being neglected, mistreated, abused, what have you, that YOU DO NOT HAVE TO SETTLE.  Do not just be with someone because you are afraid to be alone. Don't ignore red flags if they are there. Do not allow someone to make you feel like you aren't more than whatever bad treatment they can dish out.

This Valentine's Day I won't have a significant other, but I won't be sad. I will be with my friends, being HAPPY because I choose not to settle. I choose to be happy. I chose to have hope because I know that someday there will be a man that comes along, to me, happily stopping at his destination.

To Mr. West Virginia

I don't even know where to begin...other than to say you have been on my mind a lot lately. Truthfully,this happens a lot.

I remember I liked you from the very first email you sent me.

 I remember how we would text and you actually asked me questions and cared and treated me wonderfully.  You actually called me beautiful, instead of hot. A lot of girls want to be called hot, but not me...I always wanted someone to see me as something deeper, not superficial- beautiful. And up until then "hot" was it.  

I remember how I couldn't focus the rest of the day after you told me.

I remember being SO impressed with you planning our first date.  You took charge of everything. You cared enough to go above and beyond, and it was glorious.  

 I remember our first date, that picnic up in the beautiful mountains of West Virginia, and how you brought my favorite foods (without me even telling you what a lot were) and watching The Avengers at the mall.

I remember panicking, big time, and having a break down on the ride home, calling my mother in between fits of sobbing. 

The truth is you were my first date after getting my heart broken, and I found out quite quickly I wasn't ready to give my heart away again.  I hadn't even begun breaking down those steel-reinforced walls I had so carefully built around it.

And this.was.scary.  So I decided I needed another layer or two of steel, and some barbed wire for good measure.  

We stopped talking, and it was totally my fault. 

Time passed and I still thought about you.

I decided I needed to talk to you, to tell you I was sorry for dropping off the face of the earth.

You replied, so understanding and patient, and I could've jumped for joy.

We emailed again, we texted again, we made plans to meet again.

You drove over 6 hours to meet me at my house that Christmas break.

I remember becoming SO afraid again. And pushing that to the back of my mind, I owed you a chance.

We went to that arcade, and to dinner, and you treated me like a queen. 

Then a movie at my house, and you were respectful and sweet and you were so good with my family and even my two scared little dogs (who liked you!)

I remember waking up to a good morning text from you from our guest room downstairs.

And I became more and more frightened.

And I totally botched that batch of pancakes I made you ( I swear I can cook WAY better than that!)

By the end of the meal I was ready to bury myself in a hole. I was panicking again.And I felt like the scum of the earth.

I was convincing myself I didn't deserve you.

I sent you home with that loaf of Mennonite bread and a hug I could barely muster.

And I cried for days.

It made me SO frustrated. I thought for sure I was over that other guy completely, that my broken heart had healed, that I could trust again, that I was finally okay, and that I was ready to date and move on with my life.

And this was all just a huge freaking slap in the face saying "PSSHH, NOPE! YOU WISH! You still have a long ways to go, broken girl!"

So we stopped talking again. And AGAIN it was my fault. And we haven't really talked since.

And this is why I am here, to tell you I am so sorry. I am so, so sorry. 

That whole "it's not you, it's me" line is actually not a cliche, it's true. It WAS all me.

And now that time has passed, things have happened, prayers have been answered, peace has been restored, and slowly, oh so slowly,

my walls have been ripped,  torn, beaten, pushed, kicked, and crumpled down

 I wish I could talk to you.

But there's still this thing-I still feel like I don't deserve a chance. 

I have wronged you before and I want it to be different this time.

So for now I will say I am sorry, from the bottom of my heart

and hope that you might find this on my little corner of the internet

and maybe we can talk again

and I can prove to us both that I deserve this chance. 

Dear 20, Love 26

You know what it crazy to me?

How time can absolutely fly by, and slow down, at the same time.

Right now I cannot believe that I turned 26 last month.  I seriously have no idea how I got here.  I feel like I just turned 20.  

But, I feel like 20 was a lifetime ago.Yet it feels like yesterday. Strange.

How did six years pass by without me even realizing it?

 I feel like if I passed my 20 year old self on the street I would hardly recognize her.

It got me thinking...if I somehow could see my 20 year old self, and tell her things about herself, warn her about things I know would be coming for her, comfort her, give her advice, tell her what would happen in the next six years....

would I?

You see, the past few years I have struggled severely with regret.  It was something I had never really thought of before. Something that never bothered me.  Something I never worried about. I guess that's because up until the past few years, I had never done anything worthy of real regret.

I am not talking about sin, and big mistakes involving things of that nature. But I am talking about big life decisions that I have made and have come to utterly, completely, and painfully regret. A powerful, overwhelming feeling of regret that has kept me up at night.  Regret that has left me feeling lost and confused.  Regret that makes me feel angry at myself, and others.  Regret that has left me crying till my eyes can't cry anymore. Regret that has at times, made me bitter.  Regret that had me asking

 "BUT  W H A T  I F..."

or saying  "I F  O N L Y   I   H A D/H A D N' T..."

 or  "I   W I S H   I   N E V E R..."

But the regret has taught me something-NOT to regret. No matter how many times you go over scenarios in your head, you cannot change the past.  The absolute best thing you can do is to say"oops, my bad"

 pray- trusting that Heavenly Father knows what is best for you

 and MOVE ON. 

Go forward with what you have learned and try not to make the same mistakes twice.  Make the most of the situations at hand.  Forgive where forgiveness is needed, and this includes forgiving YOURSELF. As Timone and Pumbaa would say "You gotta put your past behind ya." Know that wherever you have ended up now, you are never starting over from scratch, you are starting anew with additional experience, learning, and understanding. 

I know that I have made some REALLY horrible decisions that have cost me dearly-

(i.e. loving a boy for years who did NOT deserve me, who never treated me right, and took me for granted, and tore my beating heart out of my chest..but that's a different story for a different post)

but I KNOW that I have fought hard to become this woman I am today because of these things.  I know that the Lord has loved me through everything, and I have  grown to love Him so much more through everything. And that who I am today, standing here, newly 26, is a completely different and BETTER woman because of my choices and my experiences. And if my 26 year old self passed my 20 year old self on the street, I still don't know for sure what I would say to her,  if I would tell her to

 "RUN AS FAST AS SHE CAN the other way from that boy", or to 

"go to that college after all", or to

"love yourself NOW."

Or maybe I would say nothing at all, and just give her a knowing, reassuring smile because now I KNOW she will be ok. That even though I know the choices she is making will cause her serious regret and heartache, she will one day be me, the 26 year old woman 

who values herself and her time

who is working on bettering and loving herself daily

who doesn't accept less than what she deserves

who knows that she is a daughter of God, and deserves people in her life who sees and treat her as such

a woman who doesn't settle and is freaking ROCKIN' it making her dreams come true, even if they took a regret or ten along the way...

You're Gonna Hear Me Roar

I have had this blog for almost two years now. And in the past year (and a half if we are being honest) it has been severely neglected.  I have been so busy...with a lot of things. One of them being I get so caught up and distracted with reading other blogs that I never have time to do my own.  And then there's that little comparison monster that creeps in and tells me I haven't had anything good to say compared to these people. And these girls have perfect lives, they aren't anything like me. But lately it hit me...I love reading blogs where the authors are REAL. They pour their hearts out. They talk about REAL things going on in their lives, past and present. Good AND bad. Not just superficial things. They help people, just by sharing, and letting others know they aren't alone in how they feel, or in having bad experiences. 

It got me thinking.... I have been so quiet on my OWN blog. Especially lately.  And I feel like I am almost a completely different person than when I started this thing in the very beginning of 2012. And you know what? I have a lot to say! (these realizations could be due to the fact that I have been obsessed with Katy Perry's 'Roar' lately). And up until now I have been very, very private with my personal life.  I never wanted to talk about things that have happened in my life.  I have barely written personal things in my own journal about my private life. Part of the reason for that is there have been some very difficult and heart-breaking experiences. And it's like I didn't want to record them for anyone to ever read them, I felt like they were too near, too painful, too recent, too humiliating. And even in writing, it had always been very difficult for me to share what I am feeling. So I only alluded to them in past posts. Actually, like only one of them.

But things are different now, and because of these experiences, I have been learning how to open up. And I have decided to open up about my life. To use my tiny corner of the internet for good.  To maybe let someone else out there know that they aren't the only one to feel the way they do. 

I am not saying I am depressed. I am not saying I have a horrible life. I am not saying that I have had the most difficult, horrible experiences that are possible to have.  I AM saying that I have been hurt. That I have made mistakes. That I have lost myself. That I have been betrayed. That I have been broken so deeply I never thought I could heal. That I survived what was, at the time, my worst nightmare.  But, most importantly, that I have learned. That I have been blessed beyond measure. That I have grown. That I have loved. That I have been loved. That my testimony is strong. That I know things horrible things happen, but there is ALWAYS hope. That I KNOW my Redeemer lives, and HE is what has gotten me though everything and anything. That I have always had a light, not at the end of the tunnel and something always off in the distance, but right beside me leading me out of the dark. My Savior. And I know He lives. And I know that there's a purpose in EVERYTHING we are called to go through. I saw a quote recently by Brigham Young that said 

"Every trial and experience you have passed through is necessary for your salvation." 

I know that He would never allow me to hurt more than necessary. And that no matter what He calls me to pass through while on this earth, it will be MORE than worth it when I leave this earth. 

So here's to opening up, and sharing my stories. And you know what?

You're gonna hear me roar.

Life Tip #3,301- Make Sure Your Blind Date Speaks Your Language

(sadly, my sister lost the one picture we got as proof of that hilariously horrible night, but I figured a picture of me and my 20 year old naive self from that same year could suffice)

So a few years ago when my sister was in college, I, for some STRANGE reason (which I still do not understand) let my sister convince me to go to a college dance with her.  She said that she and her ex boyfriend had found a date for me already, all I had to do was come. Hmmm...

Red flag number one.

Well, I should have considered the fact that my sister's psycho EX was the one setting me up with a date, and that's really not the best idea in the first place. 

 Red flag number two.

Not to mention, going on a double date with your sister, her ex, and a complete stranger just MIGHT be a little awkward in and of itself. 

Red flag number three.

But, I went down in faith that it was going to be a fun, memorable night! 

                                                                                                     ....Well, it WAS memorable.

After going on a day trip with my sister, her ex, and their horrible,erratic driver of a professor, we came back to my sister's apartment to get ready for the dance.  I was barely getting over my lingering carsickness from the day's trip with the nutty professor, but I managed to get ready and feel semi-okay.  Then I overheard my sister and her ex on the phone talking.... and it turns out my sister's ex met my date... at a construction site.  Red flag number four.

After having a slight freak out and telling my sister I no longer wanted to go and trying to get out of it,  my sister's ex and my date showed up.  This is the part of the story where I would love to say that he was tall, dark, handsome, mysteriously sexy, and tanned from his long hours in the sun working, and that all of my anxiety over going out with this construction-site-find-of-a stranger was erased. 

                                                Well...he was about 2 inches shorter than me, very shy, and barely spoke a lick of English.   

Red flag number five.

Needless to say the night was full of awkward silences, saying "I'm sorry, what was that?," awkward slow dances looking down at my date, and trying to understand each other over the loud music and obvious language barrier. AWK.WARD.NESS.  

Now, my sister and I laugh until we cry about that night.  And now I know: Never let your sister's ex set you up with a blind date. And if you, for some reason do, make SURE they speak your language.