The ground beneath my feet is open wide

What has happened to 2015?!

I had such good intentions of keeping up with my blog this year. I wanted to get back into it again. But I dunno, my motivation for blogging hit an all time low.  Hence not posting since January (whoops).

But I used to love my little corner of the internet here.  And I want to again.  This is my space and I don't feel the need to have it become something fake- just to attract more readers and get lots of page views.  I just want it to be mine. What I like. What I want to say.  And so it shall be.

Lots of things have been happening for me- including an upcoming move! I am going back to Utah!

When I left Utah in 2013 I never thought I'd say that.  But here we are. haha.  It's funny how the Lord works.  I feel like He is definitely leading me back there, and He has definitely opened up the way for me to go, and I am SO grateful.

For about 2 years (actually, like, 8 if I am being reeeeeaaally honest), but ESPECIALLY the last 2 years, I have been SO anxious and antsy. I am ready for a change.  I am ready for new faces, new places, new opportunities.

In explaining to my family and friends just why I am picking up and heading 2,000ish miles across the country I have told them the same thing. I LOVE Pennsylvania. I love the rolling green hills. I love the people (for the most part, haha), I love being near my family and the best friends I have here, I love the changes of the seasons, I love that I am so close to a lot of cool places- like DC, Philly, etc. I love it.  I used to really resent PA but after my first move to Utah, I still remember coming home and driving across the PA state line and being like AH. HOME. I have lots of warm fuzzy feelings for it now. But not matter how much I love it, if I stay exactly where I am, that's just it, that will be EXACTLY where I am. I can predict what the next several years of my life will be like. Nothing will change the way I want it to. And I'm not okay with that.

So here's to new starts. New faces. New people. New places. New experiences. New challenges. New me. I am SO excited! (Except when I think about the real life, adult, nitty gritty details I get SO freaked out!) But I know I am not alone. The Lord is with me wherever I go. And I am ready to go.

L I F E

Oh, life.

So much has been going on since I last wrote. And a lot of it has been really difficult. There have been days I haven't wanted to get up out of bed or even change out of my pjs. 

It's amazing how different life can be from what you expected. For both good, and bad. There have been a lot of challenges and lessons the Lord seems to be wanting me to have and to learn. And one of the things I am constantly being reminded of is the fact that He knows best. He knows what He is doing. And I can trust Him with my life. 

I remember back when my best friend and I were entering our twenties. She was home from college and we were visiting, having one of our many,many, MANY life talks. You know, the ones that are really deep and you just pour your heart out and your worries and your fears and hopes and dreams come busting out till the early hours of the morning. We were talking about the future, and how we were worried about what our futures held, we were questioning God's plan for us, and allowing ourselves to feel doubt and fear. Well, mostly me. And I will never forget my friend's response to my many "WHAT IF" questions. She said

"McKenzie, all I know is it's called 'The Plan of Happiness.' He WANTS US TO BE HAPPY. And even when we don't understand how, that's what is going to happen."

I was so humbled and taken aback by her very honest, yet very simple response. It hit me how true it is.

I KNOW that no matter what happens, Heavenly Father wants us to be happy. 

I KNOW that He is working in our lives to make our ETERNAL happiness possible. Because I don't know about you, but that, when you think about it, is really what's important to me. The FOREVER part. And we CAN be eternally happy, in His presence if we hold on and follow His ways while we are here in this life.

I KNOW that Heavenly Father and His Son, Jesus Christ live.

I KNOW they love me. And they love you too.

I KNOW that even though there are hard days, days you don't know how you can possibly take anymore, days that your best effort is just to manage to get up and get dressed (or who am I kidding, just getting up period), THERE IS REASON FOR HOPE. We are never, ever alone. Everything that happens DOES happen for a reason. And we can trust in His plan, His purposes, and His timing. For surely they are SO much better than our own. They are far better and more than what our small, finite, mortal brains can even imagine.

Dear 20, Love 26

You know what it crazy to me?

How time can absolutely fly by, and slow down, at the same time.

Right now I cannot believe that I turned 26 last month.  I seriously have no idea how I got here.  I feel like I just turned 20.  

But, I feel like 20 was a lifetime ago.Yet it feels like yesterday. Strange.

How did six years pass by without me even realizing it?

 I feel like if I passed my 20 year old self on the street I would hardly recognize her.

It got me thinking...if I somehow could see my 20 year old self, and tell her things about herself, warn her about things I know would be coming for her, comfort her, give her advice, tell her what would happen in the next six years....

would I?

You see, the past few years I have struggled severely with regret.  It was something I had never really thought of before. Something that never bothered me.  Something I never worried about. I guess that's because up until the past few years, I had never done anything worthy of real regret.

I am not talking about sin, and big mistakes involving things of that nature. But I am talking about big life decisions that I have made and have come to utterly, completely, and painfully regret. A powerful, overwhelming feeling of regret that has kept me up at night.  Regret that has left me feeling lost and confused.  Regret that makes me feel angry at myself, and others.  Regret that has left me crying till my eyes can't cry anymore. Regret that has at times, made me bitter.  Regret that had me asking

 "BUT  W H A T  I F..."

or saying  "I F  O N L Y   I   H A D/H A D N' T..."

 or  "I   W I S H   I   N E V E R..."

But the regret has taught me something-NOT to regret. No matter how many times you go over scenarios in your head, you cannot change the past.  The absolute best thing you can do is to say"oops, my bad"

 pray- trusting that Heavenly Father knows what is best for you

 and MOVE ON. 

Go forward with what you have learned and try not to make the same mistakes twice.  Make the most of the situations at hand.  Forgive where forgiveness is needed, and this includes forgiving YOURSELF. As Timone and Pumbaa would say "You gotta put your past behind ya." Know that wherever you have ended up now, you are never starting over from scratch, you are starting anew with additional experience, learning, and understanding. 

I know that I have made some REALLY horrible decisions that have cost me dearly-

(i.e. loving a boy for years who did NOT deserve me, who never treated me right, and took me for granted, and tore my beating heart out of my chest..but that's a different story for a different post)

but I KNOW that I have fought hard to become this woman I am today because of these things.  I know that the Lord has loved me through everything, and I have  grown to love Him so much more through everything. And that who I am today, standing here, newly 26, is a completely different and BETTER woman because of my choices and my experiences. And if my 26 year old self passed my 20 year old self on the street, I still don't know for sure what I would say to her,  if I would tell her to

 "RUN AS FAST AS SHE CAN the other way from that boy", or to 

"go to that college after all", or to

"love yourself NOW."

Or maybe I would say nothing at all, and just give her a knowing, reassuring smile because now I KNOW she will be ok. That even though I know the choices she is making will cause her serious regret and heartache, she will one day be me, the 26 year old woman 

who values herself and her time

who is working on bettering and loving herself daily

who doesn't accept less than what she deserves

who knows that she is a daughter of God, and deserves people in her life who sees and treat her as such

a woman who doesn't settle and is freaking ROCKIN' it making her dreams come true, even if they took a regret or ten along the way...

Story of My Life

I was all fired up and ready to go on one of my last posts about delving into my life and putting my stories out there. I had such good intentions! But I still haven't started on them. Well today's the day! I wanna call this series the "Story of My Life" series
(the name may or may not be inspired by my love for One Direction's new song but that's besides the point :)

First up! Some little things about myself I think you should know that give great insight into me:

I seriously love blankets. I ALWAYS am snuggled up under one. Even in the summer. 

I use a singing One Direction toothbrush. Heck yes.

I love Vanilla Coke. And I think it tastes the best at Sonic.

I have been to almost 200 concerts. No lie. 

My name is McKenzie, but everyone closest to me calls me "Skim" or "Skimmy"..it's been my nickname since birth when my older sister couldn't pronounce my name and that's how it came out.

I have a curse with hairdryers. I don't think I have ever owned one that hasn't broken within a ridiculously short amount of time of having it.

Every year I get in the mood to chop off several inches of my hair at once. And I do. And I ALWAYS regret it. You'd think I'd learn.

I have met Bill Nye the Science guy, and he was a jerk (but hey, maybe he was having a bad day?).

Welp, there ya go. Story of My Life.
(part one)