I dare you to move

Well.

Here I am writing this from my hometown, in PA.

I am not in Utah anymore.

Back at the end of February I knew that my lease was ending within a few months, and that I had to be figuring out the next step in my life.

I made the decision to come back home and be around my family and look for some new dream on the east coast.

I was so excited about my decision. I couldn't wait to be within a reasonable distance to all my loved ones.

It all seemed so perfect, with my lease and job ending at the same time, and no prospects for a new job or place to live on the horizon, it seemed like everything was telling me to go.

I prayed about it. I prayed about it a LOT. Every day. And I told the Lord my decision to come back home. I never really felt one way or the other- like I had received a particular answer, like the Lord confirming YES, this was right.  But I never got a NO either. I figured the Lord was telling me to go for it, He would stop me if it wasn't what I was supposed to do. 

I started living my life with my mind constantly on "this isn't permanent, I will be going home soon."

Plans were made, I told everyone I was leaving. My room in my house was rented. My job was ending. My family purchased plane tickets and rented a car to come help me make the 2000 mile move. Everything seemed to be perfect.

But if I am being honest, I always had a bit of a funny feeling deep down about it. I figured it was just anxiousness about the move and fear over the whole "NOW WHAT??" scenario I'd be in again. But I wanted to make sure that I was making the right decision. So I started changing my prayers. I told the Lord that I had decided to move back to PA, and that if that was the wrong decision, I needed Him to stop me, because I had no reason to stay and every reason to go. Or so I thought.

And until mid April (aka 2 weeks before I was supposed to leave), I was positive I had mad the right choice. 

Then I visited the Temple, like I did every Sunday after church while in Utah. That Sunday I chose to go to Temple Square- the first time I had gone in my 6 months in Utah. As I walked around that beautiful, peaceful, perfect building, and sat on a nearby bench taking in its grandeur, I felt such pangs of sadness at the thought of leaving.  I tried my best to brush them aside, because duh I'd be sad, I had loved living in Utah. And who wouldn't be sad leaving such a beautiful place? But my time had run it's course. I had loved it. It was what I needed for those 6 months. Now on to different things. I was ready to be close to my family. I was ready for the east coast again. 

After leaving the Temple grounds I started on the drive down to Riverton to see Al Fox Carraway speak at a fireside. As I drove through downtown Salt Lake, I received the distinct impression, as if it were words coming to my mind that said 

"This isn't your last chapter in Utah." 

I was dumbstruck. And as I continued to drive and look at the mountains and take in the sky, I felt it again, "This isn't your last chapter in Utah." Again and again it came to me on the entire drive. I was becoming frustrated and I just tried to shut out my thoughts.

As I listened to Al speak, I could barely keep myself from falling apart. She told her story of how she was converted, and received the impression to move to Utah. She spoke of how hard it was for her (she's an east coast native, like me). She said how much she didn't understand it or really want to do it. But she also said how RIGHT it was and that she knew that's what she needed to do. Even if it didn't make sense. Even if it wasn't what she wanted. Even if  NO ONE else (including her) understood why she was doing it, she knew she needed to go. I was holding back sobs the entire time. Like, I'm talking the ugly, uncontrollable, makeup all over, red face, hysteric kind. I kept thinking "Is this your answer Heavenly Father? Is this you stopping me? Is this you telling me I need to be here???"

After the fireside I couldn't get to my car fast enough. As soon as I started to drive away, I began to pray, telling Heavenly Father that I was all set to go. I didn't have a place to live anymore. I didn't have a job anymore. Tickets were purchased. Plans were made. I wanted my family. I wanted to be on the east coast. Period. 

"WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME THIS NOW??" I practically shouted, sobbing uncontrollably. WHY? WHY? I DON'T UNDERSTAND! And I continued to tell Him all the reasons I needed to go. 

I didn't really get any peace. I didn't feel better. And for the next two weeks, my last days in Utah, I tried convincing myself that moving was the right thing to do. And I continued to tell myself that over and over again as I drove the 2000 miles home.

Life doesn't make sense at all to me right now. I have no idea what I am doing. I feel guilty all the time because all I can think about doing is leaving. And no one will understand that. And they will be upset at my leaving. But it's what I know deep in my heart is right. And because now, it is what I want to do. It messes with all my plans. It makes no sense. And I have absolutely no idea how I am going to make it happen, or when, or anything. But I do know one thing: Heavenly Father answers prayers. And they never seem to be in the way you think they should or would be. But I know that everything He does is for my eternal good and happiness. 

I know that I can trust Him and that He understands perfectly why He needs me where He does. I know that He is patient and loving and forgiving, even when I am stubborn and make choices that I shouldn't. Even when I lack faith. 

He loves me still

And that, is all I need to know right now.

He Lives

"I know that my Redeemer lives

What comfort this sweet sentence gives

He lives, He lives who once was dead

He lives, my ever living Head"

Words cannot describe how much I love my Savior, Jesus Christ.  Even though I am 2000 miles away from my family this Easter Sabbath, I woke up with such a feeling of gratitude and joy when I started thinking about Him, and all that He did for me, and all that He continues to STILL do for me.

Because of Him, my broken heart has been healed.

Because of Him, the regrets that I have about my past vanish.

Because of Him I can have a clean slate every day.

Because of Him, I can be with family forever.

Because of Him I have a family.

Because of Him, no 'Friday' of my life will ever be permanent. Sunday WILL come.

Because of Him hope is possible, I have a reason to hope,always. He is the reason.

Because of Him death is not the end. There is not such thing as the end.

Because of Him I can receive answers to prayers.

Because of Him I am NEVER alone.

Because of Him we all will be resurrected.

Because of Him, I have someone with a constant, steady, never wavering, never lessening, unconditional love for me. Even when I do not deserve it. He is that love.

Because of Him I can keep going, even when I don't want to and don't think I can.

Because of Him I live, I walk, I talk, I hear, I see, I enjoy this beautiful Earth.

Because of Him I know there is a reason for everything. A purpose in pain. A reason to keep living, keep trying, keep trusting. Him.

"He lives. 

All Glory to His name.

He lives, my Savior, still the same

Oh sweet the joy this sentence gives

I know that my Redeemer lives"

I can't decide

When I was about 20 or 21, I had a decision to make. A decision involving a boy. I had to decide to either pursue a relationship with him, and wait for him (despite the time, distance, and unsurety), or simply put, to not wait and pursue other things.

I have grown up a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I have been taught ever since I can remember about prayer, and that God answers prays. I never had any real problem receiving answers before. And I thought this was no exception. I don't remember an absolute specific time asking the Lord if it was right to wait for him. But he was a good guy, a priesthood holder, a best friend of mine, that I truly loved at that point in my life. It seemed like an obvious answer- DUH, wait for him. He could be your eternal companion, yo!

So wait I did. And I waited faithfully. I remember my mom saying she was worried that I was missing out on opportunities because of him, but I staunchly denied that and recommitted to my patience, and my waiting, thinking FOR SURE I was doing the right thing.

When he returned home, I thought, THIS was it. I really felt like my prayers were answered. I remember sitting next to him the day after he got back as we were eating dinner with his family, and without my asking for it, I just received SUCH a strong impression that I was sitting next to my future husband. It was such a peaceful and happy feeling, and I was sure that it was a very clear confirmation that I had chosen correctly- that I had followed the Lord's will in waiting for him, that it was right.

Fast forward 4 months to me collapsing on the stairs in my house sobbing uncontrollably, feeling literally broken from the inside out. This boy had chosen not to be with me. I had been wrong in waiting.

I'm not trying to turn this into a pity fest or a sob story, but it serves as a necessary background to what I've been thinking a lot about ever since that day, every time I make a decision- and there have been a LOT of big decisions since that time in my life. I have struggled since that day to come to grips with my choice.

Did I really make the right choice? 

Was the Lord telling me no all along and I just ignored Him?

Had I really received the answer I thought I had to that prayer?And if I did- WHY had it turned out that way? 

Why was I left with nothing? 

Why didn't it turn out like it was 'supposed' to?

 Did he receive the same answer I did and just chose differently? 

Or was it me that had received an answer and chosen differently? 

WHY HAD IT HAPPENED? 

I had prayed so much, exercised so much faith, put in so much trust and hope and work. Needless to say, that experience absolutely bewildered me and shook me to the core. I didn't know if Heavenly Father really answered prayers anymore. I didn't think He heard me. I didn't have faith in the process of prayer anymore.

Since then, in the almost 5 years since that happened, I have been haunted by that experience more than I have realized. It took me years to realize how little trust I had in getting answers to prayers anymore. I thought as my heart healed, and as I regained my faith that had been broken, that the whole answers to prayer thing would just heal too. But every time I have had to make life decisions, it haunts me, and it has taken me all this time to REALLY come to grips with it.

I was talking to my mom on the phone about a big decision I have in my life right now. And she said to me 

"McKenzie, you need to trust. You trust the Lord, which is wonderful and right, but you need to trust YOURSELF too."

It hit me, hard. I don't trust myself when I make decisions, even when I am prayerful about them. Which I am, ALL the time. I never make a big decision without the Lord. But even when I feel like He has given me a "yes," I doubt it. In the back of my mind I think back to the "yes" I thought I had gotten before, and how horribly that turned out. And it paralyzes me. And I doubt my decision. Even with a feeling of "yes" from the Lord it truly is rare for me to feel ALL IN about something. I analyze it OH so much. I take away the peace that should be mine. I have so much anxiety.

But, it is teaching me so much. Even as I write this I am getting clarity. I truly believe that those years ago, I did get a yes. Why wouldn't it have been? That was the ideal. If that boy had acted according to correct principles, and not out of fear, and been the man he was supposed to be, there was every reason in the world we would have been wonderful together if he had kept choosing the right. It could have been a yes.

But that's just it. You can't force people. God doesn't force people. He doesn't make you choose the right, even if it effects someone else's life- like his choice effected and even changed mine. I learned a very crucial and difficult lesson because of that. It may not have been fair, BUT it was what I needed.  

And now, I see that it is for the best that the whole situation with him turned out the way it did. And I am grateful that because of that experience, I have changed 1000%. Most of the time I feel like I don't even know that girl from those years ago. 

I may still have lingering doubts and difficulties with receiving answers to prayers but it comes down to this-
I KNOW THAT HEAVENLY FATHER ANSWERS PRAYERS. 

All of them. Every single last one.

Whether it is with a yes

no

not now

or silence for a time.

Prayers ARE answered. Because He loves us. Absolutely and perfectly. He wants to lead and guide and help and answer. Our part is to decide, to pray,and to move forward TRUSTING that He will answer in one way, at one time or another. That NO MATTER WHAT IT WILL BE OKAY. No matter how it turns out. 

Hold to hope, pray unceasingly, & trust in His will, timing, and plan.

Utahpalooza

Last month my little sister came out to Utah to visit me for her birthday! She was only here a few days but I can say it was the best few days I have spent in Utah, hands down. She's my bff and I miss her so much! No one really understands how close we are. We have been inseparable ever since starting homeschool together 11 (YIPE!) years ago.  We just have done everything together for the last decade+. We have been a constant in each other's lives while other friends have faded, moved, gotten married, etc. So it was SO super hard to say goodbye to her when I moved here almost 5 months ago!

I am SO grateful that she got to come visit. My roommates asked me what I planned for us, and most of our plans, to be honest, revolved around food. HAHA! So many yummy places out here that aren't back east. We were reunited with Kneaders, fell DEEPLY in love with Fiiz, devoured pizza at The Pie, nibbled on Yogurtland, and more. Such a yummy, gluttonous few days. We were seriously sick by the end haha.

In between eating we explored and I got to show her some places I have been wanting to since I've come out here. We went to The District and caught a movie, saw the UP house in Herriman, took in the Bountiful and Ogden Temples, saw The Finest Hours (SO GOOD) at Station Park which she fell in love with like I have. We projected some quality chick flicks and disney movies on a screen at my house while we savored Fiiz and pizza, and more. It was just all so perfect and we had SO much fun! Take me back! It was incredibly hard to put her on a plane to fly back home.
When I moved out here, and had to drop my mom off at the airport and hug her goodbye, I think the Lord was seriously shielding me from the sadness and fear I could have been experiencing. I was just so happy to be starting my adventure and excited for the possibilities. I didn't really feel anything, because it didn't feel real.

But since then I have had the some of the hardest days I never knew were coming. I have felt absolute, thick & gripping loneliness that has gripped me so hard at times that sometimes I feel like I will lose my mind. There have been many solo trips to the movies, to grab food, go shopping, church events, etc, many days and nights spent alone.Because of these experiences, I had a very different time this trip to the airport. I barely pulled away before I burst into tears. The feeling of utter and completely loneliness was staring me in the face and I didn't want any part of it. I knew what was waiting for me this time. There was no naiveté.

I am so grateful that even though I can feel and be completely and utterly alone, I never truly am. Heavenly Father and His Son live. They are there. They have been my comfort, solace, and Best Friends this whole time. I am grateful I can pray and receive comfort and peace, and a feeling of love that takes over, even in the dark, lonely times.

I am so grateful my family that God has given me. I don't think I could ever fully express how much they all mean to me. I am SO,SO,SO blessed. And I am so grateful for a little sister that has been my sidekick all these years. It was so wonderful to have her visit and celebrate her being alive for 25 awesome years! Heaven knows I needed her all this time, and this amazing visit.

Utah Yo! Month One

I cannot believe I have been in Utah for over a month now! That just blows my mind. But at the same time, has it really only been a little over a month?! It's crazy.

Life is so, so different for me than it was just 1 month ago. Between all the newness surrounding me, and getting to know myself even more, I feel like a completely different person almost.

There have definitely been some HARD days. One particularly rough and disappointing night I was driving home fighting back tears of frustration, just feeling dumbfounded, praying to the Lord saying, "I'm DONE! I don't know what else you want from me. I.am.DONE!" It took everything in me not to pack up my car and high tail it out of Utah the next day.

But you know what? I am glad I stayed. There are still hard days. But there are SO many blessings to make up for them. And even in the hard days, I feel myself being strengthened and blessed and given peace that passeth all understanding. I know that the Lord has been upholding me and sending His angels to bear me up. That's for sure.

I have 2 really amazing roommates. We talk so easily with each other. We're starting to have lots of gab fests and lots of "dating, uuuuuugggggghhh talks." haha. It is definitely a blessing that the Lord has given me in the form of two such amazing people to share a home with!

Coming to a place where I know absolutely NO one has definitely made me really self-aware. Which leads to being self conscious more than I'd like to admit, but even more so, it has made me just realize more who I am as a person, how I think, what's going on with me emotionally and mentally, etc.

For instance, ever since a really difficult, life-altering break up a few years ago, I KNEW that I had put up a lot of walls around myself, and my heart. And as time went on, no matter how much I wanted it differently, I felt myself just steel-reinforcing those walls. And I thought in the healing that has taken place since then that I had gotten rid of those walls completely. Well, moving here has definitely made me aware that those walls are still there. Not as big and strong and impassable as before, but they linger. And I am glad that I am able to realize that now. Because now I am trying to make conscious efforts to open up more and let people in. And I am learning that opening up and everything doesn't equal getting hurt. Yes there is that risk, but you also are able to let a lot really amazing people in as well.

I started this post just intending to post some pictures and give a brief narrative of what's been going on here in Utah for me...so I am not sure I got here, but oh well. haha. So anyways....

One of my favorite, scratch that, my FAVORITE thing about being in Utah are all the temples here! It is AMAZING! I have made a point to go to one at least once a week, even if sometimes that means just sitting outside and playing a conference talk or BYU speech while parked, looking at it. It makes me SO happy. Words cannot describe how much I love the Lord's temples.And I can't get over how there are at LEAST 9 temples within 45 minutes of my house- that I have been to at least. There are probably more! haha.

So without further ado- here is the last month+ of my life in UT in pictures:

In the Land of Skype

Welp, I did it. I officially moved from my beloved Pennsylvania to Utah! It's funny(not really), leading up to it there was SO much opposition and I doubted myself A LOT. When moving day came, I woke up in a bad mood and everything in me seemed to scream "DON'T GO. IT'S EASIER HERE." But I immediately got down on my knees and said a prayer asking for courage and peace. And almost instantly, it started to fill me. I know it was totally the Grace of God filling me to make this ginormous and difficult step. Because hugging my family and saying "see you later "was NOT easy. Especially to my little 2 year old niece and 4 year old nephew, looking up at me with wide eyes having no idea why I needed to go. My little niece didn't quite grasp what was going on. I remember her saying "I go ress-ah-rahn (restaurant) wif you??"

My nephew spent the last few weeks up until my move trying to convince me I didn't really have to go to Utah. But then when others questioned me why, like my Grammy, he defended me saying,"She just needs an adventure!"

I had several talks with him telling him why I felt I needed to move, that I love him no matter where I am, that we can visit as much as possible, and keep in touch over the phone and Skype. I kept telling him, "Don't worry buddy, we are going to Skype!" So later, during one of our many reassuring talks together, that very literal and imaginative 4 year old boy told me that he thinks he knows where Skype is, and that it was a land far away that you need a giant bridge to reach. haha.

That kid.

My mom ended up making the drive across the country with me, which I am SO,SO grateful for. It went so much faster that way, and we had a really enjoyable time. Minus driving through at least 8 hours of solid rain one day and,well, Wyoming is too deserted for my taste haha. But in addition to the physical strength, the Lord gave me courage, peace, and grace to make the journey, and to be able to drop my mom off at the airport without breaking down and giving up.

I have felt him with me every step, every mile, every minute of every day. I have been blessed beyond what I deserve, and beyond measure. And He has shielded me from so much this first week of my adventure.

We stopped at the Indianapolis, Indiana Temple. LOVED it! SO gorgeous!

Big, empty Nebraska. 

My mom and I went to see the Ogden Temple while she was here. One of my FAVORITE things about UT is being SO close to SO many temples!

Today was the first really hard day. I went to my new ward, and I don't know, I think it just clicked for me-this is all new. I don't know anyone in this building right now. I don't have my friends here with me. And I started feeling very,very alone. I tried very hard to focus on what was being said, because there were SO many things being spoken that I knew were inspired and the Lord needed me to hear. But I couldn't shut up that voice in my head for long, nagging me. filling me with doubt and telling me

"WHAT HAVE YOU DONE? YOU CAN'T DO THIS. YOU'RE NOT STRONG ENOUGH. YOU'RE NOT AS PRETTY AS ALL THESE OTHER GIRLS. YOU'RE ALONE. YOU'RE SCREWED UP. YOU CAN'T FEEL NORMAL. THIS IS TOO HARD. GO BACK HOME." 

I'd like to say that I told Satan to take a hike, put a smile on my face, and went on my merry way. But after sacrament I found myself, without even realizing it, practically running to my car and fighting back tears as I drove away. But thankfully, as I drove, I did what I knew I should have done in the first place- I prayed. And I prayed the whole way to the Bountiful Temple where I parked, cried,and prayed some more. I put on a BYU speech by Richard G. Scott and listened to it while staring at the Temple. And then, the peace started to come. 

Sitting outside the Bountiful Temple- my new favorite UT Temple! LOVE having so many so close by!

No, everything is not magically ok.

No, I don't seem to have anything figured out.

Yes, I still have the doubt that creeps in, A LOT.

But, stronger, more overwhelming, bigger, better, and more real to me than all of that is the peace. And it's God's love for me, individually. The knowledge that He knows me, ME, personally, by name. That when I weep, He surely matches my tears with His own. That I have a Savior, my Elder Brother, Jesus Christ that chose to suffer for me- everything I have and will experience, that CHOSE to do this for me, so I can come back to Him. And until I do, I have Him with me in everything I do. In every choice I make. In every new place I go. He never leaves nor forsakes me. He knows exactly how I feel because He has been there billions of times over. And He would do it all over again if it were necessary, just for me. That astounds me. I love Him with all that I am, as little as that may seem to be. I am here and doing this to be the woman He wants and needs me to be. I don't know the future. I don't know the answers to all my problems. But I don't have to. I know Him, and I know that in Him I can trust. And I am putting absolutely everything I can into that, and I know that He will not fail me.

@At All Times

And then there were 27

Wow. Another year has come and gone and I am still in shock. I turned 27 a few weeks ago and let me tell you....that is even more of a shock, yo! I can't believe it. For a bit I was struggling with the idea of entering my late 20's. I don't know if I am the only one who does this but I kind of tend to treat my birthdays like New Years. I look back on the year, I take stock, and sadly most of the time... I make myself feel like horse poop.

It's easy to compare your life to the picture you have in your head of how things should be. And truth be told, if you have a picture in your head of how it's supposed to be, it's pretty near perfection. And that makes real life REAL hard to measure up. Especially when you are using a skewed yardstick like most of us tend to do and are super hard on ourselves. I know I am.

I tend to get disappointed with things and think to myself "This is SO not what I pictured I would be like, or how things would be when I was (insert age)!"

And before you know it I am stuck in the comparison trap.

I compare my life to others.

I compare my circumstances to others.

I compare how I handle things to how others do.

I compare what others have to what I have.

I compare my body, hair, makeup, talents, etc to all those seemingly perfect girls around me and blogs plastered all over the place.

And pretty quickly I feel like I come up ridiculously short.

But you know what I have finally started to realize?

I AM ME. There is NO one else who is me or ever will be, EVER.

Heavenly Father created me individually. He has molded my life individually. He has blessed me individually. He has loved me individually. He never intended for me to measure myself or my blessings by the yardsticks of others. He just want me to try my best, and be measured against what HE wants for me. And that changes daily. Sometimes my efforts for the day are amazing. I accomplish a lot. I use my talents. I serve. I study and pray more. I do better. Then some days are really hard, and I fall SO short from the day before. But you know what? If I am having a hard day He isn't expecting me to be my best self from another day. My best self for that day is what He wants. And He accepts my meager efforts, because sometimes that is all I can manage. He just says, "That's ok, try a little harder tomorrow."

He is not hard on us. WE are hard on us.

And when we compare ourselves and our lives to others it is only being ungrateful for the multitude of blessings He has given US individually.

I went into 27 with a much better attitude than I have the past few birthdays. He has blessed me to learn SO much over the past few years of my life. I have been stretched to the point of breaking. There have been trials I never would have wanted in a million years. There have been days so incredibly hard I couldn't picture them ever being even close to "good" again.

But over these last few years there has been SO much growth. I have been given SO much. I have been blessed WAY more that I have been hurt. Everything that has been a trial has turned into a blessing, or is on its way into turning into a blessing.

26 was SO good to me. I am so grateful for this year.

I crossed some major items of my bucket list like going to California and dipping my feet in the Pacific Ocean (which was a trip I WON, HECK yeah!)

I got 2 amazing jobs with families that I absolutely LOVED and were SUCH blessings to me

I expanded my photography skills and business

I traveled around and took day trips

I saw One Direction in concert TWICE, one if them was in FRONT ROW!!

I read the Book of Mormon 5 times

I started my own business selling shirts and prints I have spent years working on

(Wow as I read that I have a lot of blog posts to catch up on...haha...)

I am so grateful He has given me another year to be SO blessed. 27 is exciting! I can't wait to see what happens this year. I plan on making it AMAZING.

L I F E

Oh, life.

So much has been going on since I last wrote. And a lot of it has been really difficult. There have been days I haven't wanted to get up out of bed or even change out of my pjs. 

It's amazing how different life can be from what you expected. For both good, and bad. There have been a lot of challenges and lessons the Lord seems to be wanting me to have and to learn. And one of the things I am constantly being reminded of is the fact that He knows best. He knows what He is doing. And I can trust Him with my life. 

I remember back when my best friend and I were entering our twenties. She was home from college and we were visiting, having one of our many,many, MANY life talks. You know, the ones that are really deep and you just pour your heart out and your worries and your fears and hopes and dreams come busting out till the early hours of the morning. We were talking about the future, and how we were worried about what our futures held, we were questioning God's plan for us, and allowing ourselves to feel doubt and fear. Well, mostly me. And I will never forget my friend's response to my many "WHAT IF" questions. She said

"McKenzie, all I know is it's called 'The Plan of Happiness.' He WANTS US TO BE HAPPY. And even when we don't understand how, that's what is going to happen."

I was so humbled and taken aback by her very honest, yet very simple response. It hit me how true it is.

I KNOW that no matter what happens, Heavenly Father wants us to be happy. 

I KNOW that He is working in our lives to make our ETERNAL happiness possible. Because I don't know about you, but that, when you think about it, is really what's important to me. The FOREVER part. And we CAN be eternally happy, in His presence if we hold on and follow His ways while we are here in this life.

I KNOW that Heavenly Father and His Son, Jesus Christ live.

I KNOW they love me. And they love you too.

I KNOW that even though there are hard days, days you don't know how you can possibly take anymore, days that your best effort is just to manage to get up and get dressed (or who am I kidding, just getting up period), THERE IS REASON FOR HOPE. We are never, ever alone. Everything that happens DOES happen for a reason. And we can trust in His plan, His purposes, and His timing. For surely they are SO much better than our own. They are far better and more than what our small, finite, mortal brains can even imagine.

Dear 20, Love 26

You know what it crazy to me?

How time can absolutely fly by, and slow down, at the same time.

Right now I cannot believe that I turned 26 last month.  I seriously have no idea how I got here.  I feel like I just turned 20.  

But, I feel like 20 was a lifetime ago.Yet it feels like yesterday. Strange.

How did six years pass by without me even realizing it?

 I feel like if I passed my 20 year old self on the street I would hardly recognize her.

It got me thinking...if I somehow could see my 20 year old self, and tell her things about herself, warn her about things I know would be coming for her, comfort her, give her advice, tell her what would happen in the next six years....

would I?

You see, the past few years I have struggled severely with regret.  It was something I had never really thought of before. Something that never bothered me.  Something I never worried about. I guess that's because up until the past few years, I had never done anything worthy of real regret.

I am not talking about sin, and big mistakes involving things of that nature. But I am talking about big life decisions that I have made and have come to utterly, completely, and painfully regret. A powerful, overwhelming feeling of regret that has kept me up at night.  Regret that has left me feeling lost and confused.  Regret that makes me feel angry at myself, and others.  Regret that has left me crying till my eyes can't cry anymore. Regret that has at times, made me bitter.  Regret that had me asking

 "BUT  W H A T  I F..."

or saying  "I F  O N L Y   I   H A D/H A D N' T..."

 or  "I   W I S H   I   N E V E R..."

But the regret has taught me something-NOT to regret. No matter how many times you go over scenarios in your head, you cannot change the past.  The absolute best thing you can do is to say"oops, my bad"

 pray- trusting that Heavenly Father knows what is best for you

 and MOVE ON. 

Go forward with what you have learned and try not to make the same mistakes twice.  Make the most of the situations at hand.  Forgive where forgiveness is needed, and this includes forgiving YOURSELF. As Timone and Pumbaa would say "You gotta put your past behind ya." Know that wherever you have ended up now, you are never starting over from scratch, you are starting anew with additional experience, learning, and understanding. 

I know that I have made some REALLY horrible decisions that have cost me dearly-

(i.e. loving a boy for years who did NOT deserve me, who never treated me right, and took me for granted, and tore my beating heart out of my chest..but that's a different story for a different post)

but I KNOW that I have fought hard to become this woman I am today because of these things.  I know that the Lord has loved me through everything, and I have  grown to love Him so much more through everything. And that who I am today, standing here, newly 26, is a completely different and BETTER woman because of my choices and my experiences. And if my 26 year old self passed my 20 year old self on the street, I still don't know for sure what I would say to her,  if I would tell her to

 "RUN AS FAST AS SHE CAN the other way from that boy", or to 

"go to that college after all", or to

"love yourself NOW."

Or maybe I would say nothing at all, and just give her a knowing, reassuring smile because now I KNOW she will be ok. That even though I know the choices she is making will cause her serious regret and heartache, she will one day be me, the 26 year old woman 

who values herself and her time

who is working on bettering and loving herself daily

who doesn't accept less than what she deserves

who knows that she is a daughter of God, and deserves people in her life who sees and treat her as such

a woman who doesn't settle and is freaking ROCKIN' it making her dreams come true, even if they took a regret or ten along the way...

You're Gonna Hear Me Roar

I have had this blog for almost two years now. And in the past year (and a half if we are being honest) it has been severely neglected.  I have been so busy...with a lot of things. One of them being I get so caught up and distracted with reading other blogs that I never have time to do my own.  And then there's that little comparison monster that creeps in and tells me I haven't had anything good to say compared to these people. And these girls have perfect lives, they aren't anything like me. But lately it hit me...I love reading blogs where the authors are REAL. They pour their hearts out. They talk about REAL things going on in their lives, past and present. Good AND bad. Not just superficial things. They help people, just by sharing, and letting others know they aren't alone in how they feel, or in having bad experiences. 

It got me thinking.... I have been so quiet on my OWN blog. Especially lately.  And I feel like I am almost a completely different person than when I started this thing in the very beginning of 2012. And you know what? I have a lot to say! (these realizations could be due to the fact that I have been obsessed with Katy Perry's 'Roar' lately). And up until now I have been very, very private with my personal life.  I never wanted to talk about things that have happened in my life.  I have barely written personal things in my own journal about my private life. Part of the reason for that is there have been some very difficult and heart-breaking experiences. And it's like I didn't want to record them for anyone to ever read them, I felt like they were too near, too painful, too recent, too humiliating. And even in writing, it had always been very difficult for me to share what I am feeling. So I only alluded to them in past posts. Actually, like only one of them.

But things are different now, and because of these experiences, I have been learning how to open up. And I have decided to open up about my life. To use my tiny corner of the internet for good.  To maybe let someone else out there know that they aren't the only one to feel the way they do. 

I am not saying I am depressed. I am not saying I have a horrible life. I am not saying that I have had the most difficult, horrible experiences that are possible to have.  I AM saying that I have been hurt. That I have made mistakes. That I have lost myself. That I have been betrayed. That I have been broken so deeply I never thought I could heal. That I survived what was, at the time, my worst nightmare.  But, most importantly, that I have learned. That I have been blessed beyond measure. That I have grown. That I have loved. That I have been loved. That my testimony is strong. That I know things horrible things happen, but there is ALWAYS hope. That I KNOW my Redeemer lives, and HE is what has gotten me though everything and anything. That I have always had a light, not at the end of the tunnel and something always off in the distance, but right beside me leading me out of the dark. My Savior. And I know He lives. And I know that there's a purpose in EVERYTHING we are called to go through. I saw a quote recently by Brigham Young that said 

"Every trial and experience you have passed through is necessary for your salvation." 

I know that He would never allow me to hurt more than necessary. And that no matter what He calls me to pass through while on this earth, it will be MORE than worth it when I leave this earth. 

So here's to opening up, and sharing my stories. And you know what?

You're gonna hear me roar.

I Went Inside

Last week, on the 17th I had the incredible opportunity to go through the temple for the first time.  I have seriously been dreaming of that moment my whole life.  Growing up, my parents always made an effort to go the the temple, and to take me and my sisters there regularly.  They always made a big deal of our "temple trips."  Living in PA, our closest temple is the Washington DC Temple, which is 2 hours away (how grateful I am to have one that close!) so it we would always make day trips out of it.  We'd go down and go inside the visitor's center and then always walk around the outside-which was my favorite part.  I have always, always loved that temple and looked forward to the day I could go in.  And it was always my goal to go inside the DC Temple for my first time.  So, everything about that special day was a dream come true.  

I am grateful for my parents who were able to be there with me, and make the day even more happy.  

You can feel the spirit just driving up to this sacred building.  One thing I will always remember about that day was as we were within minutes of pulling into the temple parking lot, as we were driving around the grounds (if you have ever been to the DC Temple you know the drive right before the temple is very twisty ) the hymn is How Great Thou Art was playing in the background in my car, and I just started quietly crying, totally involuntarily.  I was just so happy, so thankful, and I knew for sure I was doing the right thing, and that Heavenly Father knew exactly where I was, and was so happy for me, and pleased with my decision to go to His house.  And then my mom saw me and she started bawling too.  Good thing I wore waterproof mascara.

Such a happy, blessed day:)  I can't wait to go again.

*I am a happy member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.  And if you want to know more about temples, go here.*

What I Know

I wanted to take a break from doing my 30 day photo challenge posts and focus on the most important thing in my life- my Savior Jesus Christ.  I am so grateful to be able to have this special time of year to think and ponder on the incredible sacrifices of the Lord, and all that He did for all of His children...and more personally, all that He did for me.  I cannot even begin to imagine all that He suffered, endured, and sacrificed on my behalf alone.  And not only for me, but for everyone, every soul, at every time, in every place.  It is so humbling, so incredible to think that He loved us enough to experience all that He did, to make the Plan of Happiness possible.  I am so incredibly grateful that He willingly, unselfishly, lovingly suffered, bled, and died for me...and that He made the Atonement possible.  My testimony of the Atonement has deepened and strengthened so very much over the past few years of my life as I have experienced some difficult challenges.  My Savior has been there to help, comfort, strengthen, listen, guide, succor, and heal me without measure.  He has been patient, understanding, and loving. And no matter how many times I make mistakes and fall short of the mark, He is always waiting for me with open arms.  He loves me unconditionally.  

As I was getting ready this morning,  I was thinking of the statues of Christ that are in the visitor's centers of our temples.  I was thinking of how He is standing there with the piercing in his side, the wounds in his hands and feet, but He is standing there having won the victory over death and the world.  And how His arms are out-reached and welcoming.  I imagined myself being able to meet Him, and to kneel at His feet and thank Him for all He did, and still does, on my behalf.   I tried to imagine what that would feel like, and I was filled with such a sense of joy and gratitude. I am so incredibly grateful for all my Savior has done for me.  And I am grateful that because He suffered on behalf of us, mercy can satisfy the demands of justice and we can go back to His loving arms and thank Him, and live with Him in peace after we do all we can do while we're here on this earth.  I am grateful that because we are blessed with His gospel and temples upon the earth, we can be with our families forever. I am grateful that He made everything possible. I am grateful that we have a reason to celebrate this Easter Season...because Christ conquered death, and He lives!  I know this with all of my heart, might, mind and soul and I am grateful every day that He lives.

If you have a minute, watch this video, so touching.  I love Elder Holland!