I dare you to move

Well.

Here I am writing this from my hometown, in PA.

I am not in Utah anymore.

Back at the end of February I knew that my lease was ending within a few months, and that I had to be figuring out the next step in my life.

I made the decision to come back home and be around my family and look for some new dream on the east coast.

I was so excited about my decision. I couldn't wait to be within a reasonable distance to all my loved ones.

It all seemed so perfect, with my lease and job ending at the same time, and no prospects for a new job or place to live on the horizon, it seemed like everything was telling me to go.

I prayed about it. I prayed about it a LOT. Every day. And I told the Lord my decision to come back home. I never really felt one way or the other- like I had received a particular answer, like the Lord confirming YES, this was right.  But I never got a NO either. I figured the Lord was telling me to go for it, He would stop me if it wasn't what I was supposed to do. 

I started living my life with my mind constantly on "this isn't permanent, I will be going home soon."

Plans were made, I told everyone I was leaving. My room in my house was rented. My job was ending. My family purchased plane tickets and rented a car to come help me make the 2000 mile move. Everything seemed to be perfect.

But if I am being honest, I always had a bit of a funny feeling deep down about it. I figured it was just anxiousness about the move and fear over the whole "NOW WHAT??" scenario I'd be in again. But I wanted to make sure that I was making the right decision. So I started changing my prayers. I told the Lord that I had decided to move back to PA, and that if that was the wrong decision, I needed Him to stop me, because I had no reason to stay and every reason to go. Or so I thought.

And until mid April (aka 2 weeks before I was supposed to leave), I was positive I had mad the right choice. 

Then I visited the Temple, like I did every Sunday after church while in Utah. That Sunday I chose to go to Temple Square- the first time I had gone in my 6 months in Utah. As I walked around that beautiful, peaceful, perfect building, and sat on a nearby bench taking in its grandeur, I felt such pangs of sadness at the thought of leaving.  I tried my best to brush them aside, because duh I'd be sad, I had loved living in Utah. And who wouldn't be sad leaving such a beautiful place? But my time had run it's course. I had loved it. It was what I needed for those 6 months. Now on to different things. I was ready to be close to my family. I was ready for the east coast again. 

After leaving the Temple grounds I started on the drive down to Riverton to see Al Fox Carraway speak at a fireside. As I drove through downtown Salt Lake, I received the distinct impression, as if it were words coming to my mind that said 

"This isn't your last chapter in Utah." 

I was dumbstruck. And as I continued to drive and look at the mountains and take in the sky, I felt it again, "This isn't your last chapter in Utah." Again and again it came to me on the entire drive. I was becoming frustrated and I just tried to shut out my thoughts.

As I listened to Al speak, I could barely keep myself from falling apart. She told her story of how she was converted, and received the impression to move to Utah. She spoke of how hard it was for her (she's an east coast native, like me). She said how much she didn't understand it or really want to do it. But she also said how RIGHT it was and that she knew that's what she needed to do. Even if it didn't make sense. Even if it wasn't what she wanted. Even if  NO ONE else (including her) understood why she was doing it, she knew she needed to go. I was holding back sobs the entire time. Like, I'm talking the ugly, uncontrollable, makeup all over, red face, hysteric kind. I kept thinking "Is this your answer Heavenly Father? Is this you stopping me? Is this you telling me I need to be here???"

After the fireside I couldn't get to my car fast enough. As soon as I started to drive away, I began to pray, telling Heavenly Father that I was all set to go. I didn't have a place to live anymore. I didn't have a job anymore. Tickets were purchased. Plans were made. I wanted my family. I wanted to be on the east coast. Period. 

"WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME THIS NOW??" I practically shouted, sobbing uncontrollably. WHY? WHY? I DON'T UNDERSTAND! And I continued to tell Him all the reasons I needed to go. 

I didn't really get any peace. I didn't feel better. And for the next two weeks, my last days in Utah, I tried convincing myself that moving was the right thing to do. And I continued to tell myself that over and over again as I drove the 2000 miles home.

Life doesn't make sense at all to me right now. I have no idea what I am doing. I feel guilty all the time because all I can think about doing is leaving. And no one will understand that. And they will be upset at my leaving. But it's what I know deep in my heart is right. And because now, it is what I want to do. It messes with all my plans. It makes no sense. And I have absolutely no idea how I am going to make it happen, or when, or anything. But I do know one thing: Heavenly Father answers prayers. And they never seem to be in the way you think they should or would be. But I know that everything He does is for my eternal good and happiness. 

I know that I can trust Him and that He understands perfectly why He needs me where He does. I know that He is patient and loving and forgiving, even when I am stubborn and make choices that I shouldn't. Even when I lack faith. 

He loves me still

And that, is all I need to know right now.

He Lives

"I know that my Redeemer lives

What comfort this sweet sentence gives

He lives, He lives who once was dead

He lives, my ever living Head"

Words cannot describe how much I love my Savior, Jesus Christ.  Even though I am 2000 miles away from my family this Easter Sabbath, I woke up with such a feeling of gratitude and joy when I started thinking about Him, and all that He did for me, and all that He continues to STILL do for me.

Because of Him, my broken heart has been healed.

Because of Him, the regrets that I have about my past vanish.

Because of Him I can have a clean slate every day.

Because of Him, I can be with family forever.

Because of Him I have a family.

Because of Him, no 'Friday' of my life will ever be permanent. Sunday WILL come.

Because of Him hope is possible, I have a reason to hope,always. He is the reason.

Because of Him death is not the end. There is not such thing as the end.

Because of Him I can receive answers to prayers.

Because of Him I am NEVER alone.

Because of Him we all will be resurrected.

Because of Him, I have someone with a constant, steady, never wavering, never lessening, unconditional love for me. Even when I do not deserve it. He is that love.

Because of Him I can keep going, even when I don't want to and don't think I can.

Because of Him I live, I walk, I talk, I hear, I see, I enjoy this beautiful Earth.

Because of Him I know there is a reason for everything. A purpose in pain. A reason to keep living, keep trying, keep trusting. Him.

"He lives. 

All Glory to His name.

He lives, my Savior, still the same

Oh sweet the joy this sentence gives

I know that my Redeemer lives"

I can't decide

When I was about 20 or 21, I had a decision to make. A decision involving a boy. I had to decide to either pursue a relationship with him, and wait for him (despite the time, distance, and unsurety), or simply put, to not wait and pursue other things.

I have grown up a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I have been taught ever since I can remember about prayer, and that God answers prays. I never had any real problem receiving answers before. And I thought this was no exception. I don't remember an absolute specific time asking the Lord if it was right to wait for him. But he was a good guy, a priesthood holder, a best friend of mine, that I truly loved at that point in my life. It seemed like an obvious answer- DUH, wait for him. He could be your eternal companion, yo!

So wait I did. And I waited faithfully. I remember my mom saying she was worried that I was missing out on opportunities because of him, but I staunchly denied that and recommitted to my patience, and my waiting, thinking FOR SURE I was doing the right thing.

When he returned home, I thought, THIS was it. I really felt like my prayers were answered. I remember sitting next to him the day after he got back as we were eating dinner with his family, and without my asking for it, I just received SUCH a strong impression that I was sitting next to my future husband. It was such a peaceful and happy feeling, and I was sure that it was a very clear confirmation that I had chosen correctly- that I had followed the Lord's will in waiting for him, that it was right.

Fast forward 4 months to me collapsing on the stairs in my house sobbing uncontrollably, feeling literally broken from the inside out. This boy had chosen not to be with me. I had been wrong in waiting.

I'm not trying to turn this into a pity fest or a sob story, but it serves as a necessary background to what I've been thinking a lot about ever since that day, every time I make a decision- and there have been a LOT of big decisions since that time in my life. I have struggled since that day to come to grips with my choice.

Did I really make the right choice? 

Was the Lord telling me no all along and I just ignored Him?

Had I really received the answer I thought I had to that prayer?And if I did- WHY had it turned out that way? 

Why was I left with nothing? 

Why didn't it turn out like it was 'supposed' to?

 Did he receive the same answer I did and just chose differently? 

Or was it me that had received an answer and chosen differently? 

WHY HAD IT HAPPENED? 

I had prayed so much, exercised so much faith, put in so much trust and hope and work. Needless to say, that experience absolutely bewildered me and shook me to the core. I didn't know if Heavenly Father really answered prayers anymore. I didn't think He heard me. I didn't have faith in the process of prayer anymore.

Since then, in the almost 5 years since that happened, I have been haunted by that experience more than I have realized. It took me years to realize how little trust I had in getting answers to prayers anymore. I thought as my heart healed, and as I regained my faith that had been broken, that the whole answers to prayer thing would just heal too. But every time I have had to make life decisions, it haunts me, and it has taken me all this time to REALLY come to grips with it.

I was talking to my mom on the phone about a big decision I have in my life right now. And she said to me 

"McKenzie, you need to trust. You trust the Lord, which is wonderful and right, but you need to trust YOURSELF too."

It hit me, hard. I don't trust myself when I make decisions, even when I am prayerful about them. Which I am, ALL the time. I never make a big decision without the Lord. But even when I feel like He has given me a "yes," I doubt it. In the back of my mind I think back to the "yes" I thought I had gotten before, and how horribly that turned out. And it paralyzes me. And I doubt my decision. Even with a feeling of "yes" from the Lord it truly is rare for me to feel ALL IN about something. I analyze it OH so much. I take away the peace that should be mine. I have so much anxiety.

But, it is teaching me so much. Even as I write this I am getting clarity. I truly believe that those years ago, I did get a yes. Why wouldn't it have been? That was the ideal. If that boy had acted according to correct principles, and not out of fear, and been the man he was supposed to be, there was every reason in the world we would have been wonderful together if he had kept choosing the right. It could have been a yes.

But that's just it. You can't force people. God doesn't force people. He doesn't make you choose the right, even if it effects someone else's life- like his choice effected and even changed mine. I learned a very crucial and difficult lesson because of that. It may not have been fair, BUT it was what I needed.  

And now, I see that it is for the best that the whole situation with him turned out the way it did. And I am grateful that because of that experience, I have changed 1000%. Most of the time I feel like I don't even know that girl from those years ago. 

I may still have lingering doubts and difficulties with receiving answers to prayers but it comes down to this-
I KNOW THAT HEAVENLY FATHER ANSWERS PRAYERS. 

All of them. Every single last one.

Whether it is with a yes

no

not now

or silence for a time.

Prayers ARE answered. Because He loves us. Absolutely and perfectly. He wants to lead and guide and help and answer. Our part is to decide, to pray,and to move forward TRUSTING that He will answer in one way, at one time or another. That NO MATTER WHAT IT WILL BE OKAY. No matter how it turns out. 

Hold to hope, pray unceasingly, & trust in His will, timing, and plan.