rule of thirds kind of life

Anyone who knows me knows that one of my absolute favorite things in the entire universe are 90's sitcoms. I LOVE them. Boy Meets World, Family Matters, & Sabrina The Teenage Witch anyone?They just don't make shows like they used to (insert cane, old lady voice telling you how when I was little I used to have to walk to school in the snow, uphill both ways! ;) But it's true. They don't. I am only in my 20's and I feel like since I was a teenager EVERYTHING is so, so, SO completely different.

It's got me thinking a lot lately about the world. Like, in the big expanse of everyone on it. And our country. And just, how everything is changing so much, so rapidly. I mean, even in things as small as how different shows are nowadays to the fact that when I graduated high school VERY FEW kids there even had cell phones. If they did they were those candy bar nokia phones or those motorola razors- all they did was call and if you were lucky, you paid 10 cents per text. And most didn't have their own computer-just a shared one in a common room in the house. And that was just 10 years ago. 

Now, EVERYONE has a cell phone- the 5 year old I just babysat had a brand new cell that was an even bigger and more expensive model than my phone. EVERYONE has access to technology in their hands, at all times. It is a wonderful thing to have. So much good is done through these advances. And then there is the other side or the coin-  barely anyone even has face-to-face interaction anymore. Everyone seems to be constantly looking down, at this little glowing box in their hands. Constantly updating. Constantly looking for updates. Constantly posting. Constantly reading. Constantly playing. Constantly liking. Constantly disliking. Constantly sharing.Constantly comparing. Constantly texting, snapping,tweeting, gramming,you name it. It makes me sad. And this is coming from an introvert that very much loves my phone. 

With all the varying information, posts, opinions, etc that I see on a daily basis-it has just gotten me thinking a lot about what we are putting out into the world.

I see so many tutorials on how to contour your face, neck, and even body to look like a completely different person.

I see fashion posts of "I got this top here and these shoes here and this purse here."

I see constant pictures of food. The good, the bad, the in between.

I see constant cries for validation and attention and help.

I see bullying and harassment and hate.

I see confusion and hurt and complaining.

I see useless garbage. Every.Single.Day.

But I also see those who fight for what they believe.

I see love.

I see hope.

I see faith.

I see life and adventure and happiness and goodness.

THERE IS A FINE LINE IN EVERYTHING. 

I love that everyone has differing opinions. It is what makes us human. It is what makes us unique. It is what makes us free.

But I can't stand when opinions are forced on others as fact and arguments and hate ensue. That is useless. It does no good. It is not what having a difference of opinions should mean. You can agree to disagree RESPECTFULLY.  You can be on completely opposite sides and not be able to see another's point of view at all. BUT YOU DO NOT HAVE THE RIGHT TO TAKE AWAY SOMEONE'S HAPPINESS OR FREEDOM OR RIGHTS and treat them unkindly or unfairly.

If you disagree with something someone says, you are not forced to argue or make a degrading comment. Be fair. Be kind. Be wise.

If you get annoyed with an account, unfollow it.

If it makes you feel bad, don't look at it.

If you are constantly comparing and belittling yourself based on someone else's life- DON'T.

Don't compare and analyze and bash. Don't be so concerned on things that don't have value. Looks fade. Money gets spent. Clothes go out of style. 

Let's think more about:

WHAT AM I PUTTING OUT INTO THE WORLD? 

Is it good? Is it uplifting? Does it make you ponder? Inspire? Motivate? Uplift? Make someone laugh or smile?

I get it, BELIEVE ME, I GET IT- life is not a bed of roses. There are so many troubles and trials and hurts. And I am not denying their existence or removing myself from reality, I am not promoting denial.

I am promoting MAGNIFYING THE GOOD. Sharing goodness. Loving others. Loving ourselves. Being positive. Keeping unkind comments to ourselves. Focusing on the good and making others feel worthwhile and hopeful. Sharing things that are worthwhile and that MEAN SOMETHING. 

I love online shopping, tweeting, and instagram as the next person. And I am all about watching and sharing funny memes and cat videos and all the hilarity the internet has to offer. But I believe it is ALL ABOUT BALANCE. And I just know that I never want to be ashamed of what I have left in this world. I don't want it to be useless. I want to make people feel good. I want there to be meaning in my life. I want to actually experience a concert, party, sunset, new place, EVERYTHING- without constantly worrying about getting the perfect shot for instagram.

I want to post a picture solely because it was a good memory and it is a good way to remember it.

I want to not worry about how many likes I get or how many views are racked up.

I don't want to be constantly trying to compete with everyone else on social media in trying to make my life seem perfect one post at a time. I want real. I want meaning. I want goodness. And I intend on contributing to it.

I dare you to move

Well.

Here I am writing this from my hometown, in PA.

I am not in Utah anymore.

Back at the end of February I knew that my lease was ending within a few months, and that I had to be figuring out the next step in my life.

I made the decision to come back home and be around my family and look for some new dream on the east coast.

I was so excited about my decision. I couldn't wait to be within a reasonable distance to all my loved ones.

It all seemed so perfect, with my lease and job ending at the same time, and no prospects for a new job or place to live on the horizon, it seemed like everything was telling me to go.

I prayed about it. I prayed about it a LOT. Every day. And I told the Lord my decision to come back home. I never really felt one way or the other- like I had received a particular answer, like the Lord confirming YES, this was right.  But I never got a NO either. I figured the Lord was telling me to go for it, He would stop me if it wasn't what I was supposed to do. 

I started living my life with my mind constantly on "this isn't permanent, I will be going home soon."

Plans were made, I told everyone I was leaving. My room in my house was rented. My job was ending. My family purchased plane tickets and rented a car to come help me make the 2000 mile move. Everything seemed to be perfect.

But if I am being honest, I always had a bit of a funny feeling deep down about it. I figured it was just anxiousness about the move and fear over the whole "NOW WHAT??" scenario I'd be in again. But I wanted to make sure that I was making the right decision. So I started changing my prayers. I told the Lord that I had decided to move back to PA, and that if that was the wrong decision, I needed Him to stop me, because I had no reason to stay and every reason to go. Or so I thought.

And until mid April (aka 2 weeks before I was supposed to leave), I was positive I had mad the right choice. 

Then I visited the Temple, like I did every Sunday after church while in Utah. That Sunday I chose to go to Temple Square- the first time I had gone in my 6 months in Utah. As I walked around that beautiful, peaceful, perfect building, and sat on a nearby bench taking in its grandeur, I felt such pangs of sadness at the thought of leaving.  I tried my best to brush them aside, because duh I'd be sad, I had loved living in Utah. And who wouldn't be sad leaving such a beautiful place? But my time had run it's course. I had loved it. It was what I needed for those 6 months. Now on to different things. I was ready to be close to my family. I was ready for the east coast again. 

After leaving the Temple grounds I started on the drive down to Riverton to see Al Fox Carraway speak at a fireside. As I drove through downtown Salt Lake, I received the distinct impression, as if it were words coming to my mind that said 

"This isn't your last chapter in Utah." 

I was dumbstruck. And as I continued to drive and look at the mountains and take in the sky, I felt it again, "This isn't your last chapter in Utah." Again and again it came to me on the entire drive. I was becoming frustrated and I just tried to shut out my thoughts.

As I listened to Al speak, I could barely keep myself from falling apart. She told her story of how she was converted, and received the impression to move to Utah. She spoke of how hard it was for her (she's an east coast native, like me). She said how much she didn't understand it or really want to do it. But she also said how RIGHT it was and that she knew that's what she needed to do. Even if it didn't make sense. Even if it wasn't what she wanted. Even if  NO ONE else (including her) understood why she was doing it, she knew she needed to go. I was holding back sobs the entire time. Like, I'm talking the ugly, uncontrollable, makeup all over, red face, hysteric kind. I kept thinking "Is this your answer Heavenly Father? Is this you stopping me? Is this you telling me I need to be here???"

After the fireside I couldn't get to my car fast enough. As soon as I started to drive away, I began to pray, telling Heavenly Father that I was all set to go. I didn't have a place to live anymore. I didn't have a job anymore. Tickets were purchased. Plans were made. I wanted my family. I wanted to be on the east coast. Period. 

"WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME THIS NOW??" I practically shouted, sobbing uncontrollably. WHY? WHY? I DON'T UNDERSTAND! And I continued to tell Him all the reasons I needed to go. 

I didn't really get any peace. I didn't feel better. And for the next two weeks, my last days in Utah, I tried convincing myself that moving was the right thing to do. And I continued to tell myself that over and over again as I drove the 2000 miles home.

Life doesn't make sense at all to me right now. I have no idea what I am doing. I feel guilty all the time because all I can think about doing is leaving. And no one will understand that. And they will be upset at my leaving. But it's what I know deep in my heart is right. And because now, it is what I want to do. It messes with all my plans. It makes no sense. And I have absolutely no idea how I am going to make it happen, or when, or anything. But I do know one thing: Heavenly Father answers prayers. And they never seem to be in the way you think they should or would be. But I know that everything He does is for my eternal good and happiness. 

I know that I can trust Him and that He understands perfectly why He needs me where He does. I know that He is patient and loving and forgiving, even when I am stubborn and make choices that I shouldn't. Even when I lack faith. 

He loves me still

And that, is all I need to know right now.

words meet heartbeats

My awesome shirt I designed & is for sale in my shop- The Prints & Me

As much as I resist change- I need it. 

And i figured it was time to make a change around here. 

I started 'Miss Kenzie's Musings' over 4 years ago with BIG plans for my little space here. I wanted sponsored posts, tons of readers, high page views, etc.

Then the more I had my blog the more I realized I didn't want any of that- what I really want is what is REAL. HONEST. RAW. 

I don't want an endless stream of meaningless babble and money making posts that just pollutes the internet. It's meaningless. It isn't real life. Most of the time it is destructive and harmful because we all judge ourselves by these perfectly primped social media posts that make skin,bodies, hair, and life itself look perfect, and we wonder- what is wrong with me? Why don't I look like that? Why is their life so perfect? How do they have such a perfect house? How do they have such perfect hair? How do they afford to travel so much? Don't they ever even get a pimple? And so on and so on in a horrible comparison cycle that doesn't do anything or anyone any good.

I don't care if I get 1 page view a day. I don't care if I don't have thousands of followers. 

I do care about what I am putting out into the world. I want my blog to be absolutely real and from the heart. I want it to be relatable. I want it to be a little corner of awesomeness. 

This is where I am reminded to make my Words Meet Heartbeats.

I want what's in my heart to be what I say and what I do. In every aspect of my life. And this is where it starts.

Words Meet Heartbeats

(title inspired by this amazing Parachute song)

He Lives

"I know that my Redeemer lives

What comfort this sweet sentence gives

He lives, He lives who once was dead

He lives, my ever living Head"

Words cannot describe how much I love my Savior, Jesus Christ.  Even though I am 2000 miles away from my family this Easter Sabbath, I woke up with such a feeling of gratitude and joy when I started thinking about Him, and all that He did for me, and all that He continues to STILL do for me.

Because of Him, my broken heart has been healed.

Because of Him, the regrets that I have about my past vanish.

Because of Him I can have a clean slate every day.

Because of Him, I can be with family forever.

Because of Him I have a family.

Because of Him, no 'Friday' of my life will ever be permanent. Sunday WILL come.

Because of Him hope is possible, I have a reason to hope,always. He is the reason.

Because of Him death is not the end. There is not such thing as the end.

Because of Him I can receive answers to prayers.

Because of Him I am NEVER alone.

Because of Him we all will be resurrected.

Because of Him, I have someone with a constant, steady, never wavering, never lessening, unconditional love for me. Even when I do not deserve it. He is that love.

Because of Him I can keep going, even when I don't want to and don't think I can.

Because of Him I live, I walk, I talk, I hear, I see, I enjoy this beautiful Earth.

Because of Him I know there is a reason for everything. A purpose in pain. A reason to keep living, keep trying, keep trusting. Him.

"He lives. 

All Glory to His name.

He lives, my Savior, still the same

Oh sweet the joy this sentence gives

I know that my Redeemer lives"

Walking in the Wind

It's been a bit since I've updated about my life in Utah.

I think the best way to do that is to let the pictures speak for themselves. Not that they are anything spectacular- they are just phone shots of some pretty awesome places I've been.

I spent A LOT of times at Temples. From Mt. Timpanagos, to Ogden, to Bountiful, to Oquirrh Mountain, to Draper, to Payson and so many others. I just love them and can't get enough. And in my drives I find some other pretty places. And this new, warm, sunny spring air makes me feel alive. I have been craving travel and adventure and filling my free time with exploring. It's pretty fantastical.

God sure has given us some pretty amazing sights and blessings on this earth. I never thought I'd love Utah so much.

I can't decide

When I was about 20 or 21, I had a decision to make. A decision involving a boy. I had to decide to either pursue a relationship with him, and wait for him (despite the time, distance, and unsurety), or simply put, to not wait and pursue other things.

I have grown up a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I have been taught ever since I can remember about prayer, and that God answers prays. I never had any real problem receiving answers before. And I thought this was no exception. I don't remember an absolute specific time asking the Lord if it was right to wait for him. But he was a good guy, a priesthood holder, a best friend of mine, that I truly loved at that point in my life. It seemed like an obvious answer- DUH, wait for him. He could be your eternal companion, yo!

So wait I did. And I waited faithfully. I remember my mom saying she was worried that I was missing out on opportunities because of him, but I staunchly denied that and recommitted to my patience, and my waiting, thinking FOR SURE I was doing the right thing.

When he returned home, I thought, THIS was it. I really felt like my prayers were answered. I remember sitting next to him the day after he got back as we were eating dinner with his family, and without my asking for it, I just received SUCH a strong impression that I was sitting next to my future husband. It was such a peaceful and happy feeling, and I was sure that it was a very clear confirmation that I had chosen correctly- that I had followed the Lord's will in waiting for him, that it was right.

Fast forward 4 months to me collapsing on the stairs in my house sobbing uncontrollably, feeling literally broken from the inside out. This boy had chosen not to be with me. I had been wrong in waiting.

I'm not trying to turn this into a pity fest or a sob story, but it serves as a necessary background to what I've been thinking a lot about ever since that day, every time I make a decision- and there have been a LOT of big decisions since that time in my life. I have struggled since that day to come to grips with my choice.

Did I really make the right choice? 

Was the Lord telling me no all along and I just ignored Him?

Had I really received the answer I thought I had to that prayer?And if I did- WHY had it turned out that way? 

Why was I left with nothing? 

Why didn't it turn out like it was 'supposed' to?

 Did he receive the same answer I did and just chose differently? 

Or was it me that had received an answer and chosen differently? 

WHY HAD IT HAPPENED? 

I had prayed so much, exercised so much faith, put in so much trust and hope and work. Needless to say, that experience absolutely bewildered me and shook me to the core. I didn't know if Heavenly Father really answered prayers anymore. I didn't think He heard me. I didn't have faith in the process of prayer anymore.

Since then, in the almost 5 years since that happened, I have been haunted by that experience more than I have realized. It took me years to realize how little trust I had in getting answers to prayers anymore. I thought as my heart healed, and as I regained my faith that had been broken, that the whole answers to prayer thing would just heal too. But every time I have had to make life decisions, it haunts me, and it has taken me all this time to REALLY come to grips with it.

I was talking to my mom on the phone about a big decision I have in my life right now. And she said to me 

"McKenzie, you need to trust. You trust the Lord, which is wonderful and right, but you need to trust YOURSELF too."

It hit me, hard. I don't trust myself when I make decisions, even when I am prayerful about them. Which I am, ALL the time. I never make a big decision without the Lord. But even when I feel like He has given me a "yes," I doubt it. In the back of my mind I think back to the "yes" I thought I had gotten before, and how horribly that turned out. And it paralyzes me. And I doubt my decision. Even with a feeling of "yes" from the Lord it truly is rare for me to feel ALL IN about something. I analyze it OH so much. I take away the peace that should be mine. I have so much anxiety.

But, it is teaching me so much. Even as I write this I am getting clarity. I truly believe that those years ago, I did get a yes. Why wouldn't it have been? That was the ideal. If that boy had acted according to correct principles, and not out of fear, and been the man he was supposed to be, there was every reason in the world we would have been wonderful together if he had kept choosing the right. It could have been a yes.

But that's just it. You can't force people. God doesn't force people. He doesn't make you choose the right, even if it effects someone else's life- like his choice effected and even changed mine. I learned a very crucial and difficult lesson because of that. It may not have been fair, BUT it was what I needed.  

And now, I see that it is for the best that the whole situation with him turned out the way it did. And I am grateful that because of that experience, I have changed 1000%. Most of the time I feel like I don't even know that girl from those years ago. 

I may still have lingering doubts and difficulties with receiving answers to prayers but it comes down to this-
I KNOW THAT HEAVENLY FATHER ANSWERS PRAYERS. 

All of them. Every single last one.

Whether it is with a yes

no

not now

or silence for a time.

Prayers ARE answered. Because He loves us. Absolutely and perfectly. He wants to lead and guide and help and answer. Our part is to decide, to pray,and to move forward TRUSTING that He will answer in one way, at one time or another. That NO MATTER WHAT IT WILL BE OKAY. No matter how it turns out. 

Hold to hope, pray unceasingly, & trust in His will, timing, and plan.

Utahpalooza

Last month my little sister came out to Utah to visit me for her birthday! She was only here a few days but I can say it was the best few days I have spent in Utah, hands down. She's my bff and I miss her so much! No one really understands how close we are. We have been inseparable ever since starting homeschool together 11 (YIPE!) years ago.  We just have done everything together for the last decade+. We have been a constant in each other's lives while other friends have faded, moved, gotten married, etc. So it was SO super hard to say goodbye to her when I moved here almost 5 months ago!

I am SO grateful that she got to come visit. My roommates asked me what I planned for us, and most of our plans, to be honest, revolved around food. HAHA! So many yummy places out here that aren't back east. We were reunited with Kneaders, fell DEEPLY in love with Fiiz, devoured pizza at The Pie, nibbled on Yogurtland, and more. Such a yummy, gluttonous few days. We were seriously sick by the end haha.

In between eating we explored and I got to show her some places I have been wanting to since I've come out here. We went to The District and caught a movie, saw the UP house in Herriman, took in the Bountiful and Ogden Temples, saw The Finest Hours (SO GOOD) at Station Park which she fell in love with like I have. We projected some quality chick flicks and disney movies on a screen at my house while we savored Fiiz and pizza, and more. It was just all so perfect and we had SO much fun! Take me back! It was incredibly hard to put her on a plane to fly back home.
When I moved out here, and had to drop my mom off at the airport and hug her goodbye, I think the Lord was seriously shielding me from the sadness and fear I could have been experiencing. I was just so happy to be starting my adventure and excited for the possibilities. I didn't really feel anything, because it didn't feel real.

But since then I have had the some of the hardest days I never knew were coming. I have felt absolute, thick & gripping loneliness that has gripped me so hard at times that sometimes I feel like I will lose my mind. There have been many solo trips to the movies, to grab food, go shopping, church events, etc, many days and nights spent alone.Because of these experiences, I had a very different time this trip to the airport. I barely pulled away before I burst into tears. The feeling of utter and completely loneliness was staring me in the face and I didn't want any part of it. I knew what was waiting for me this time. There was no naiveté.

I am so grateful that even though I can feel and be completely and utterly alone, I never truly am. Heavenly Father and His Son live. They are there. They have been my comfort, solace, and Best Friends this whole time. I am grateful I can pray and receive comfort and peace, and a feeling of love that takes over, even in the dark, lonely times.

I am so grateful my family that God has given me. I don't think I could ever fully express how much they all mean to me. I am SO,SO,SO blessed. And I am so grateful for a little sister that has been my sidekick all these years. It was so wonderful to have her visit and celebrate her being alive for 25 awesome years! Heaven knows I needed her all this time, and this amazing visit.

Utah Yo! Month One

I cannot believe I have been in Utah for over a month now! That just blows my mind. But at the same time, has it really only been a little over a month?! It's crazy.

Life is so, so different for me than it was just 1 month ago. Between all the newness surrounding me, and getting to know myself even more, I feel like a completely different person almost.

There have definitely been some HARD days. One particularly rough and disappointing night I was driving home fighting back tears of frustration, just feeling dumbfounded, praying to the Lord saying, "I'm DONE! I don't know what else you want from me. I.am.DONE!" It took everything in me not to pack up my car and high tail it out of Utah the next day.

But you know what? I am glad I stayed. There are still hard days. But there are SO many blessings to make up for them. And even in the hard days, I feel myself being strengthened and blessed and given peace that passeth all understanding. I know that the Lord has been upholding me and sending His angels to bear me up. That's for sure.

I have 2 really amazing roommates. We talk so easily with each other. We're starting to have lots of gab fests and lots of "dating, uuuuuugggggghhh talks." haha. It is definitely a blessing that the Lord has given me in the form of two such amazing people to share a home with!

Coming to a place where I know absolutely NO one has definitely made me really self-aware. Which leads to being self conscious more than I'd like to admit, but even more so, it has made me just realize more who I am as a person, how I think, what's going on with me emotionally and mentally, etc.

For instance, ever since a really difficult, life-altering break up a few years ago, I KNEW that I had put up a lot of walls around myself, and my heart. And as time went on, no matter how much I wanted it differently, I felt myself just steel-reinforcing those walls. And I thought in the healing that has taken place since then that I had gotten rid of those walls completely. Well, moving here has definitely made me aware that those walls are still there. Not as big and strong and impassable as before, but they linger. And I am glad that I am able to realize that now. Because now I am trying to make conscious efforts to open up more and let people in. And I am learning that opening up and everything doesn't equal getting hurt. Yes there is that risk, but you also are able to let a lot really amazing people in as well.

I started this post just intending to post some pictures and give a brief narrative of what's been going on here in Utah for me...so I am not sure I got here, but oh well. haha. So anyways....

One of my favorite, scratch that, my FAVORITE thing about being in Utah are all the temples here! It is AMAZING! I have made a point to go to one at least once a week, even if sometimes that means just sitting outside and playing a conference talk or BYU speech while parked, looking at it. It makes me SO happy. Words cannot describe how much I love the Lord's temples.And I can't get over how there are at LEAST 9 temples within 45 minutes of my house- that I have been to at least. There are probably more! haha.

So without further ado- here is the last month+ of my life in UT in pictures:

In the Land of Skype

Welp, I did it. I officially moved from my beloved Pennsylvania to Utah! It's funny(not really), leading up to it there was SO much opposition and I doubted myself A LOT. When moving day came, I woke up in a bad mood and everything in me seemed to scream "DON'T GO. IT'S EASIER HERE." But I immediately got down on my knees and said a prayer asking for courage and peace. And almost instantly, it started to fill me. I know it was totally the Grace of God filling me to make this ginormous and difficult step. Because hugging my family and saying "see you later "was NOT easy. Especially to my little 2 year old niece and 4 year old nephew, looking up at me with wide eyes having no idea why I needed to go. My little niece didn't quite grasp what was going on. I remember her saying "I go ress-ah-rahn (restaurant) wif you??"

My nephew spent the last few weeks up until my move trying to convince me I didn't really have to go to Utah. But then when others questioned me why, like my Grammy, he defended me saying,"She just needs an adventure!"

I had several talks with him telling him why I felt I needed to move, that I love him no matter where I am, that we can visit as much as possible, and keep in touch over the phone and Skype. I kept telling him, "Don't worry buddy, we are going to Skype!" So later, during one of our many reassuring talks together, that very literal and imaginative 4 year old boy told me that he thinks he knows where Skype is, and that it was a land far away that you need a giant bridge to reach. haha.

That kid.

My mom ended up making the drive across the country with me, which I am SO,SO grateful for. It went so much faster that way, and we had a really enjoyable time. Minus driving through at least 8 hours of solid rain one day and,well, Wyoming is too deserted for my taste haha. But in addition to the physical strength, the Lord gave me courage, peace, and grace to make the journey, and to be able to drop my mom off at the airport without breaking down and giving up.

I have felt him with me every step, every mile, every minute of every day. I have been blessed beyond what I deserve, and beyond measure. And He has shielded me from so much this first week of my adventure.

We stopped at the Indianapolis, Indiana Temple. LOVED it! SO gorgeous!

Big, empty Nebraska. 

My mom and I went to see the Ogden Temple while she was here. One of my FAVORITE things about UT is being SO close to SO many temples!

Today was the first really hard day. I went to my new ward, and I don't know, I think it just clicked for me-this is all new. I don't know anyone in this building right now. I don't have my friends here with me. And I started feeling very,very alone. I tried very hard to focus on what was being said, because there were SO many things being spoken that I knew were inspired and the Lord needed me to hear. But I couldn't shut up that voice in my head for long, nagging me. filling me with doubt and telling me

"WHAT HAVE YOU DONE? YOU CAN'T DO THIS. YOU'RE NOT STRONG ENOUGH. YOU'RE NOT AS PRETTY AS ALL THESE OTHER GIRLS. YOU'RE ALONE. YOU'RE SCREWED UP. YOU CAN'T FEEL NORMAL. THIS IS TOO HARD. GO BACK HOME." 

I'd like to say that I told Satan to take a hike, put a smile on my face, and went on my merry way. But after sacrament I found myself, without even realizing it, practically running to my car and fighting back tears as I drove away. But thankfully, as I drove, I did what I knew I should have done in the first place- I prayed. And I prayed the whole way to the Bountiful Temple where I parked, cried,and prayed some more. I put on a BYU speech by Richard G. Scott and listened to it while staring at the Temple. And then, the peace started to come. 

Sitting outside the Bountiful Temple- my new favorite UT Temple! LOVE having so many so close by!

No, everything is not magically ok.

No, I don't seem to have anything figured out.

Yes, I still have the doubt that creeps in, A LOT.

But, stronger, more overwhelming, bigger, better, and more real to me than all of that is the peace. And it's God's love for me, individually. The knowledge that He knows me, ME, personally, by name. That when I weep, He surely matches my tears with His own. That I have a Savior, my Elder Brother, Jesus Christ that chose to suffer for me- everything I have and will experience, that CHOSE to do this for me, so I can come back to Him. And until I do, I have Him with me in everything I do. In every choice I make. In every new place I go. He never leaves nor forsakes me. He knows exactly how I feel because He has been there billions of times over. And He would do it all over again if it were necessary, just for me. That astounds me. I love Him with all that I am, as little as that may seem to be. I am here and doing this to be the woman He wants and needs me to be. I don't know the future. I don't know the answers to all my problems. But I don't have to. I know Him, and I know that in Him I can trust. And I am putting absolutely everything I can into that, and I know that He will not fail me.

@At All Times

The ground beneath my feet is open wide

What has happened to 2015?!

I had such good intentions of keeping up with my blog this year. I wanted to get back into it again. But I dunno, my motivation for blogging hit an all time low.  Hence not posting since January (whoops).

But I used to love my little corner of the internet here.  And I want to again.  This is my space and I don't feel the need to have it become something fake- just to attract more readers and get lots of page views.  I just want it to be mine. What I like. What I want to say.  And so it shall be.

Lots of things have been happening for me- including an upcoming move! I am going back to Utah!

When I left Utah in 2013 I never thought I'd say that.  But here we are. haha.  It's funny how the Lord works.  I feel like He is definitely leading me back there, and He has definitely opened up the way for me to go, and I am SO grateful.

For about 2 years (actually, like, 8 if I am being reeeeeaaally honest), but ESPECIALLY the last 2 years, I have been SO anxious and antsy. I am ready for a change.  I am ready for new faces, new places, new opportunities.

In explaining to my family and friends just why I am picking up and heading 2,000ish miles across the country I have told them the same thing. I LOVE Pennsylvania. I love the rolling green hills. I love the people (for the most part, haha), I love being near my family and the best friends I have here, I love the changes of the seasons, I love that I am so close to a lot of cool places- like DC, Philly, etc. I love it.  I used to really resent PA but after my first move to Utah, I still remember coming home and driving across the PA state line and being like AH. HOME. I have lots of warm fuzzy feelings for it now. But not matter how much I love it, if I stay exactly where I am, that's just it, that will be EXACTLY where I am. I can predict what the next several years of my life will be like. Nothing will change the way I want it to. And I'm not okay with that.

So here's to new starts. New faces. New people. New places. New experiences. New challenges. New me. I am SO excited! (Except when I think about the real life, adult, nitty gritty details I get SO freaked out!) But I know I am not alone. The Lord is with me wherever I go. And I am ready to go.

My New Shop! -The Prints & Me

For the past few months I have been swamped with my new endeavor... my own etsy shop- The Prints & Me.  

This has been something I have dreamed of doing and been working on opening for literally YEARS.  Finally things lined up and I took my leap of faith and opened it on November 12th.  I have had a very successful and exciting first few weeks, and if I am being honest...VERY nerve-wracking, especially in the beginning.  It is really hard to put yourself out there like that, hoping people will buy what you have worked so hard on, and invested so much time, energy, money, etc in.  

My shop is a little different and I LOVE it. It has been such a blessing to me already!  

I offer a few different things.

First, if you know me, you know I LooooooOOOoooVE One Direction. Like, a whole lotta love there.  And I also have been designing tshirts since I was a teenager.  Well, I put the two together and behold:

My own original line of One Direction Shirts

I am so proud of these babies! It is so amazing to see them in real life and hold them in my hand and wear them myself, not to just invision them on my computer screen.  What's even more amazing is seeing other people wear them! I have had people send me pictures of them in these that they have bought and it is so surreal and exciting! I am so happy with them!

I also have a line of original prints...but I'll save them for another post:)
Please check out my shop and give it a like on Etsy!
You can also visit it on
Facebook
Instagram
& Twitter

And then there were 27

Wow. Another year has come and gone and I am still in shock. I turned 27 a few weeks ago and let me tell you....that is even more of a shock, yo! I can't believe it. For a bit I was struggling with the idea of entering my late 20's. I don't know if I am the only one who does this but I kind of tend to treat my birthdays like New Years. I look back on the year, I take stock, and sadly most of the time... I make myself feel like horse poop.

It's easy to compare your life to the picture you have in your head of how things should be. And truth be told, if you have a picture in your head of how it's supposed to be, it's pretty near perfection. And that makes real life REAL hard to measure up. Especially when you are using a skewed yardstick like most of us tend to do and are super hard on ourselves. I know I am.

I tend to get disappointed with things and think to myself "This is SO not what I pictured I would be like, or how things would be when I was (insert age)!"

And before you know it I am stuck in the comparison trap.

I compare my life to others.

I compare my circumstances to others.

I compare how I handle things to how others do.

I compare what others have to what I have.

I compare my body, hair, makeup, talents, etc to all those seemingly perfect girls around me and blogs plastered all over the place.

And pretty quickly I feel like I come up ridiculously short.

But you know what I have finally started to realize?

I AM ME. There is NO one else who is me or ever will be, EVER.

Heavenly Father created me individually. He has molded my life individually. He has blessed me individually. He has loved me individually. He never intended for me to measure myself or my blessings by the yardsticks of others. He just want me to try my best, and be measured against what HE wants for me. And that changes daily. Sometimes my efforts for the day are amazing. I accomplish a lot. I use my talents. I serve. I study and pray more. I do better. Then some days are really hard, and I fall SO short from the day before. But you know what? If I am having a hard day He isn't expecting me to be my best self from another day. My best self for that day is what He wants. And He accepts my meager efforts, because sometimes that is all I can manage. He just says, "That's ok, try a little harder tomorrow."

He is not hard on us. WE are hard on us.

And when we compare ourselves and our lives to others it is only being ungrateful for the multitude of blessings He has given US individually.

I went into 27 with a much better attitude than I have the past few birthdays. He has blessed me to learn SO much over the past few years of my life. I have been stretched to the point of breaking. There have been trials I never would have wanted in a million years. There have been days so incredibly hard I couldn't picture them ever being even close to "good" again.

But over these last few years there has been SO much growth. I have been given SO much. I have been blessed WAY more that I have been hurt. Everything that has been a trial has turned into a blessing, or is on its way into turning into a blessing.

26 was SO good to me. I am so grateful for this year.

I crossed some major items of my bucket list like going to California and dipping my feet in the Pacific Ocean (which was a trip I WON, HECK yeah!)

I got 2 amazing jobs with families that I absolutely LOVED and were SUCH blessings to me

I expanded my photography skills and business

I traveled around and took day trips

I saw One Direction in concert TWICE, one if them was in FRONT ROW!!

I read the Book of Mormon 5 times

I started my own business selling shirts and prints I have spent years working on

(Wow as I read that I have a lot of blog posts to catch up on...haha...)

I am so grateful He has given me another year to be SO blessed. 27 is exciting! I can't wait to see what happens this year. I plan on making it AMAZING.

Confession Session

*I have a follow-through problem. Seriously. I have a stack of movies sitting by my TV that I have started and never finished- even though they some of are my FAVORITE movies. My best friend had a baby in JUNE and I started a project for her new baby before that. Have I finished it? Nope. And once I finish it actually mailing it out will be on a whole other level.

*I do not like talking on the phone. As a teenager I was obsessed and could spend hours every night gabbing away. Today I literally have to bribe my sister to call the chinese place for take out so I can avoid it. Thank goodness for online pizza ordering.

*Speaking of talking on the phone, whenever I do choose to do so, I have to brush my teeth first. I don't know, I guess it helps me feel more prepared. I feel like I am talking to someone with bad breath and that is the worst feeling, even though I know they can't smell my breath over the phone. It's weird.

*At the beginning of the year I was sitting in the car waiting for my sister to run an errand. I was looking in the mirror and something caught my eye. A WHITE HAIR. I fuh-reakin found a white hair on my 26 year old head (stress is a killer yo)! That is all kinds of wrong. I always pictured myself aging gracefully and accepting these things but that snowy little traitor tore that illusion to pieces and I'll admit for a few days I gave up because my life felt over. I have since recovered but started dying my hair again. Those little buggers can hide for 20 more years as far as I'm concerned. I'm not gonna take it lying down.

*I think fashion blogging and blogs that post mostly sponsored things are weird.  Don't get me wrong I follow a lot of fashion blogs and ones that do lots of sponsored posts but I've stopped reading most of them because they seem so fake. Give me real life people.

*My favorite band is One Direction. Heck yes. And I get freaking ANNOYED/homicidal/it hurts my feelings when people constantly feel the need to bash them to my face. A lot of these people being my friends. I am like "REALLY?! I have the courtesy to let you have your own taste in music without saying anything about what I disagree over. I UNDERSTAND we all have our own tastes." So I RESPECT IT. And music is personal yo, we all have what speaks to us, AM I RIGHT?! So don't put down what you don't understand. Instead SIT DOWN and shut up. K? Thanks. #sorrynotsorry

^^This is from when my sister and I saw 1D FRONT ROW in August. Which is UNREAL. Do you even know how many people are at their shows?! Try 70ish THOUSAND people. So to be able to get front row is RIDICULOUSLY amazing We bought the tickets in December 2013, that's NINE MONTHS of counting down yo. You can't fake that ecstatic excitement/happiness/pure joy. I don't understand why my friends try to put a damper on that.

Adulting

So a little peak into my life latey:

The other night I got out of the shower after 10pm and had an intense craving for frozen yogurt. So I went. Just threw on some sweats, put a headband in my wet hair, and went.

I have developed a keen awkwardness around males. I used to be a very smooth flirt in front of the fellas. But I am here to tell you there is nothing smooth about gasping, spilling your drink, and tripping when you see a shirtless guy at work (yes this happened).

Speaking of tripping, and guys...this happened again the other day. I was walking out of my job and didn't clear a gate when I was stepping over it. This resulted in me falling and knocking over every other section of the gate in a quite impressive domino fashion. And bonus! It was in front of a guy I have a very school-girl-like crush on.

I literally hid my phone for an entire day to avoid real life.  I wanted to continue this, and still would be, but I realized I pay for that dang thing. Bills suck yo.

I stayed up till 3 for the past couple of weeks laughing my butt off at Urkel on Family Matters all alone in my room like a crazy person. This was regretted every time my alarm went off early the next morning for work, but not changed. I have my priorities. 

Speaking of Urkel, my mom surprised me and gave me a Steve Urkel doll she found at an antique store and I squealed almost as loud as I did when my sister and I scored front row One Direction tickets.

And one more "McKenzie is awkward around guys" story. While I was at work recently, I was having a rough day, which prompted a heart-to-heart with the cat of the family I work for. It was all fine and dandy till the guy I work for walked in and caught me talking to it.

And there ya have it, welcome to adulting folks.

L I F E

Oh, life.

So much has been going on since I last wrote. And a lot of it has been really difficult. There have been days I haven't wanted to get up out of bed or even change out of my pjs. 

It's amazing how different life can be from what you expected. For both good, and bad. There have been a lot of challenges and lessons the Lord seems to be wanting me to have and to learn. And one of the things I am constantly being reminded of is the fact that He knows best. He knows what He is doing. And I can trust Him with my life. 

I remember back when my best friend and I were entering our twenties. She was home from college and we were visiting, having one of our many,many, MANY life talks. You know, the ones that are really deep and you just pour your heart out and your worries and your fears and hopes and dreams come busting out till the early hours of the morning. We were talking about the future, and how we were worried about what our futures held, we were questioning God's plan for us, and allowing ourselves to feel doubt and fear. Well, mostly me. And I will never forget my friend's response to my many "WHAT IF" questions. She said

"McKenzie, all I know is it's called 'The Plan of Happiness.' He WANTS US TO BE HAPPY. And even when we don't understand how, that's what is going to happen."

I was so humbled and taken aback by her very honest, yet very simple response. It hit me how true it is.

I KNOW that no matter what happens, Heavenly Father wants us to be happy. 

I KNOW that He is working in our lives to make our ETERNAL happiness possible. Because I don't know about you, but that, when you think about it, is really what's important to me. The FOREVER part. And we CAN be eternally happy, in His presence if we hold on and follow His ways while we are here in this life.

I KNOW that Heavenly Father and His Son, Jesus Christ live.

I KNOW they love me. And they love you too.

I KNOW that even though there are hard days, days you don't know how you can possibly take anymore, days that your best effort is just to manage to get up and get dressed (or who am I kidding, just getting up period), THERE IS REASON FOR HOPE. We are never, ever alone. Everything that happens DOES happen for a reason. And we can trust in His plan, His purposes, and His timing. For surely they are SO much better than our own. They are far better and more than what our small, finite, mortal brains can even imagine.

Well heyyyy there!

I can't believe how fast 2014 is FLYING by. I had such good intentions for keeping up with my blog this year. I can't believe it has been 6+ months since I last posted. But hey, whatcha gonna do? Oh well. 

I have been seriously busy with SO many things this year. One of them being this little ditty one of my best friends and I have started together:

That's right! We started a dating blog.  We both have lots of opinions, crazy experiences, stories, and insights to share about our journeys in the dating world.  We would love for you to follow along. You can find our new blog, Boyless in the Burbs HERE.

And of course stick around this little bloggie of mine too. I have some seriously exciting things coming up! 

I am not a stop along the way. I am the destination.

With all the hype surrounding Valentine's Day, it got me thinking, as lover of love and a total hopeless romantic I actually truly enjoy Valentine's Day, even though I am single. GASP. I know, I know. Aren't I supposed to be wallowing in misery, stuffing my face with chocolate, weeping into my pillow because Mr. Right has not yet graced me with his presence and I am forced to spend yet another holiday focused on l.o.v.e. alone?

Nope. Not this girl.

You see, I have had Valentine's days where I was not single. I was in a relationship.  But you know what? Those were some of the most lonely Valentine's Days of my life.  

Why? Because I was in a relationship I shouldn't have been in.  I was with a guy who did not treat me like he loved me. Who did not value me. Who did not treasure or cherish me. Who, heck, didn't even bring me flowers or chocolates or even a stupid teddy bear that cost 2 bucks at Wal Mart ONCE. No, not once in the 8 years of on and off again dating did he buy me even one small trinket to show his affection.  He treated me like I was just some passing phase in his life, an OPTION, not a PRIORITY. 

A stop along the way, not a destination.

I am not putting all the blame on this boy. I take responsibility for accepting whatever sub-par, minuscule, ridiculous treatment/attention he graced me with.  I didn't see how incredibly wrong and horrible our relationship was at the time. It wasn't until him ripping my heart out of my butt and months and months of healing, praying, pondering, and learning to love myself happened that I realized I deserved more.  Much, much more. And I want more.

I am not something to be passed by.

I am not something that isn't worthy of attention.

I am not something you bide your time with, waiting  to see if something better comes along.

I am not something you see if you can "fit in" to your time, your schedule, your life when/ if it happens to suit you.

I am not an option. I am a priority.

I am not a stop along the way. I am the destination.

Realizing these things have been nothing short of life-altering.  It has changed the way I view myself, my time spent, who I spend it with, how I think about myself and others, how I treat others, what treatment I expect and accept from others, and who/how I consider dating.

I will not settle for a boy who doesn't treat me with respect and love.

I will not settle for a boy who does not see me as the Daughter of God that I am.

I will not settle for a boy who does not treat me right, who is thoughtless and selfish.

I will not settle for a boy who treats me like just another stop along the way. 

I will be with a man who sees me as the destination. Who cherishes, loves, confides in, needs, wants, and cares for me, because I know that is what I deserve, because that is what I give in return.

I just want to shout on the rooftops to anyone, male or female, who has been or is in a relationship where you are being neglected, mistreated, abused, what have you, that YOU DO NOT HAVE TO SETTLE.  Do not just be with someone because you are afraid to be alone. Don't ignore red flags if they are there. Do not allow someone to make you feel like you aren't more than whatever bad treatment they can dish out.

This Valentine's Day I won't have a significant other, but I won't be sad. I will be with my friends, being HAPPY because I choose not to settle. I choose to be happy. I chose to have hope because I know that someday there will be a man that comes along, to me, happily stopping at his destination.

To Mr. West Virginia

I don't even know where to begin...other than to say you have been on my mind a lot lately. Truthfully,this happens a lot.

I remember I liked you from the very first email you sent me.

 I remember how we would text and you actually asked me questions and cared and treated me wonderfully.  You actually called me beautiful, instead of hot. A lot of girls want to be called hot, but not me...I always wanted someone to see me as something deeper, not superficial- beautiful. And up until then "hot" was it.  

I remember how I couldn't focus the rest of the day after you told me.

I remember being SO impressed with you planning our first date.  You took charge of everything. You cared enough to go above and beyond, and it was glorious.  

 I remember our first date, that picnic up in the beautiful mountains of West Virginia, and how you brought my favorite foods (without me even telling you what a lot were) and watching The Avengers at the mall.

I remember panicking, big time, and having a break down on the ride home, calling my mother in between fits of sobbing. 

The truth is you were my first date after getting my heart broken, and I found out quite quickly I wasn't ready to give my heart away again.  I hadn't even begun breaking down those steel-reinforced walls I had so carefully built around it.

And this.was.scary.  So I decided I needed another layer or two of steel, and some barbed wire for good measure.  

We stopped talking, and it was totally my fault. 

Time passed and I still thought about you.

I decided I needed to talk to you, to tell you I was sorry for dropping off the face of the earth.

You replied, so understanding and patient, and I could've jumped for joy.

We emailed again, we texted again, we made plans to meet again.

You drove over 6 hours to meet me at my house that Christmas break.

I remember becoming SO afraid again. And pushing that to the back of my mind, I owed you a chance.

We went to that arcade, and to dinner, and you treated me like a queen. 

Then a movie at my house, and you were respectful and sweet and you were so good with my family and even my two scared little dogs (who liked you!)

I remember waking up to a good morning text from you from our guest room downstairs.

And I became more and more frightened.

And I totally botched that batch of pancakes I made you ( I swear I can cook WAY better than that!)

By the end of the meal I was ready to bury myself in a hole. I was panicking again.And I felt like the scum of the earth.

I was convincing myself I didn't deserve you.

I sent you home with that loaf of Mennonite bread and a hug I could barely muster.

And I cried for days.

It made me SO frustrated. I thought for sure I was over that other guy completely, that my broken heart had healed, that I could trust again, that I was finally okay, and that I was ready to date and move on with my life.

And this was all just a huge freaking slap in the face saying "PSSHH, NOPE! YOU WISH! You still have a long ways to go, broken girl!"

So we stopped talking again. And AGAIN it was my fault. And we haven't really talked since.

And this is why I am here, to tell you I am so sorry. I am so, so sorry. 

That whole "it's not you, it's me" line is actually not a cliche, it's true. It WAS all me.

And now that time has passed, things have happened, prayers have been answered, peace has been restored, and slowly, oh so slowly,

my walls have been ripped,  torn, beaten, pushed, kicked, and crumpled down

 I wish I could talk to you.

But there's still this thing-I still feel like I don't deserve a chance. 

I have wronged you before and I want it to be different this time.

So for now I will say I am sorry, from the bottom of my heart

and hope that you might find this on my little corner of the internet

and maybe we can talk again

and I can prove to us both that I deserve this chance. 

Words Will Be Just Words Till You Bring Them To Life

H  A  P  P  Y     2  0  1  4
EVERYBODY!

(My sister, me, & my friends Christi & Amanda- AKA The Fabulous Four! New Years Eve)

I am SO excited for the New Year.  It is so wonderful to look back and see how blessed I was over 2013.
I remember starting off in January 2013 saying how I was DETERMINED to make it a better year than 2012.  I had spent that entire year healing from heartbreak and trying to figure out how to keep going, trying to figure out who the heck I even was.  So I was SO ready to say hello to 2013, and now, I cannot BELIEVE it is over! Seriously, it FLEW by. And I am happy to say I accomplished 2 out of 3 of my HUGE resolutions for that year.

They were:

O N E:  Go through the Temple and take out my Endowments- CHECK!

That April day was the best day of my life so far. I have such special memories from that day and it has been a gift that keeps giving and will my entire life. I truly LOVE the Temple!


and T W O:  Move To Utah- CHECK!




I TOTALLY packed up my Camry, busting to the gills with all I could fit of my earthly possessions inside, and drove the TWO THOUSAND THREE HUNDRED miles across the country to try out Utah. How freaking awesome is that!? I am so proud that I took that chance and literally went on faith all the way across the country for an adventure. And after a few months and a LOT of prayer, pondering, phone calls, and fasting, I have since moved back to Pennsylvania. But I couldn't be happier to have had that adventure for those few months in 2013, and to be back on the east coast!
But that's a different story for a different time.

I am PUMPED for 2014 and I have A LOT in store. So many big plans for myself. This will be the year of

C    H    A    N    G    E
and I am ready! So here we go 2014, let's do it!  I am ready to bring my goals to life!