Welp, I did it. I officially moved from my beloved Pennsylvania to Utah! It's funny(not really), leading up to it there was SO much opposition and I doubted myself A LOT. When moving day came, I woke up in a bad mood and everything in me seemed to scream "DON'T GO. IT'S EASIER HERE." But I immediately got down on my knees and said a prayer asking for courage and peace. And almost instantly, it started to fill me. I know it was totally the Grace of God filling me to make this ginormous and difficult step. Because hugging my family and saying "see you later "was NOT easy. Especially to my little 2 year old niece and 4 year old nephew, looking up at me with wide eyes having no idea why I needed to go. My little niece didn't quite grasp what was going on. I remember her saying "I go ress-ah-rahn (restaurant) wif you??"
My nephew spent the last few weeks up until my move trying to convince me I didn't really have to go to Utah. But then when others questioned me why, like my Grammy, he defended me saying,"She just needs an adventure!"
I had several talks with him telling him why I felt I needed to move, that I love him no matter where I am, that we can visit as much as possible, and keep in touch over the phone and Skype. I kept telling him, "Don't worry buddy, we are going to Skype!" So later, during one of our many reassuring talks together, that very literal and imaginative 4 year old boy told me that he thinks he knows where Skype is, and that it was a land far away that you need a giant bridge to reach. haha.
That kid.
My mom ended up making the drive across the country with me, which I am SO,SO grateful for. It went so much faster that way, and we had a really enjoyable time. Minus driving through at least 8 hours of solid rain one day and,well, Wyoming is too deserted for my taste haha. But in addition to the physical strength, the Lord gave me courage, peace, and grace to make the journey, and to be able to drop my mom off at the airport without breaking down and giving up.
I have felt him with me every step, every mile, every minute of every day. I have been blessed beyond what I deserve, and beyond measure. And He has shielded me from so much this first week of my adventure.
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| We stopped at the Indianapolis, Indiana Temple. LOVED it! SO gorgeous! |
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| Big, empty Nebraska. |
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| My mom and I went to see the Ogden Temple while she was here. One of my FAVORITE things about UT is being SO close to SO many temples! |
Today was the first really hard day. I went to my new ward, and I don't know, I think it just clicked for me-this is all new. I don't know anyone in this building right now. I don't have my friends here with me. And I started feeling very,very alone. I tried very hard to focus on what was being said, because there were SO many things being spoken that I knew were inspired and the Lord needed me to hear. But I couldn't shut up that voice in my head for long, nagging me. filling me with doubt and telling me
"WHAT HAVE YOU DONE? YOU CAN'T DO THIS. YOU'RE NOT STRONG ENOUGH. YOU'RE NOT AS PRETTY AS ALL THESE OTHER GIRLS. YOU'RE ALONE. YOU'RE SCREWED UP. YOU CAN'T FEEL NORMAL. THIS IS TOO HARD. GO BACK HOME."
I'd like to say that I told Satan to take a hike, put a smile on my face, and went on my merry way. But after sacrament I found myself, without even realizing it, practically running to my car and fighting back tears as I drove away. But thankfully, as I drove, I did what I knew I should have done in the first place- I prayed. And I prayed the whole way to the Bountiful Temple where I parked, cried,and prayed some more. I put on a BYU speech by Richard G. Scott and listened to it while staring at the Temple. And then, the peace started to come.
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| Sitting outside the Bountiful Temple- my new favorite UT Temple! LOVE having so many so close by! |
No, everything is not magically ok.
No, I don't seem to have anything figured out.
Yes, I still have the doubt that creeps in, A LOT.
But, stronger, more overwhelming, bigger, better, and more real to me than all of that is the peace. And it's God's love for me, individually. The knowledge that He knows me, ME, personally, by name. That when I weep, He surely matches my tears with His own. That I have a Savior, my Elder Brother, Jesus Christ that chose to suffer for me- everything I have and will experience, that CHOSE to do this for me, so I can come back to Him. And until I do, I have Him with me in everything I do. In every choice I make. In every new place I go. He never leaves nor forsakes me. He knows exactly how I feel because He has been there billions of times over. And He would do it all over again if it were necessary, just for me. That astounds me. I love Him with all that I am, as little as that may seem to be. I am here and doing this to be the woman He wants and needs me to be. I don't know the future. I don't know the answers to all my problems. But I don't have to. I know Him, and I know that in Him I can trust. And I am putting absolutely everything I can into that, and I know that He will not fail me.
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| @At All Times |
