Walking in the Wind

It's been a bit since I've updated about my life in Utah.

I think the best way to do that is to let the pictures speak for themselves. Not that they are anything spectacular- they are just phone shots of some pretty awesome places I've been.

I spent A LOT of times at Temples. From Mt. Timpanagos, to Ogden, to Bountiful, to Oquirrh Mountain, to Draper, to Payson and so many others. I just love them and can't get enough. And in my drives I find some other pretty places. And this new, warm, sunny spring air makes me feel alive. I have been craving travel and adventure and filling my free time with exploring. It's pretty fantastical.

God sure has given us some pretty amazing sights and blessings on this earth. I never thought I'd love Utah so much.

I can't decide

When I was about 20 or 21, I had a decision to make. A decision involving a boy. I had to decide to either pursue a relationship with him, and wait for him (despite the time, distance, and unsurety), or simply put, to not wait and pursue other things.

I have grown up a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I have been taught ever since I can remember about prayer, and that God answers prays. I never had any real problem receiving answers before. And I thought this was no exception. I don't remember an absolute specific time asking the Lord if it was right to wait for him. But he was a good guy, a priesthood holder, a best friend of mine, that I truly loved at that point in my life. It seemed like an obvious answer- DUH, wait for him. He could be your eternal companion, yo!

So wait I did. And I waited faithfully. I remember my mom saying she was worried that I was missing out on opportunities because of him, but I staunchly denied that and recommitted to my patience, and my waiting, thinking FOR SURE I was doing the right thing.

When he returned home, I thought, THIS was it. I really felt like my prayers were answered. I remember sitting next to him the day after he got back as we were eating dinner with his family, and without my asking for it, I just received SUCH a strong impression that I was sitting next to my future husband. It was such a peaceful and happy feeling, and I was sure that it was a very clear confirmation that I had chosen correctly- that I had followed the Lord's will in waiting for him, that it was right.

Fast forward 4 months to me collapsing on the stairs in my house sobbing uncontrollably, feeling literally broken from the inside out. This boy had chosen not to be with me. I had been wrong in waiting.

I'm not trying to turn this into a pity fest or a sob story, but it serves as a necessary background to what I've been thinking a lot about ever since that day, every time I make a decision- and there have been a LOT of big decisions since that time in my life. I have struggled since that day to come to grips with my choice.

Did I really make the right choice? 

Was the Lord telling me no all along and I just ignored Him?

Had I really received the answer I thought I had to that prayer?And if I did- WHY had it turned out that way? 

Why was I left with nothing? 

Why didn't it turn out like it was 'supposed' to?

 Did he receive the same answer I did and just chose differently? 

Or was it me that had received an answer and chosen differently? 

WHY HAD IT HAPPENED? 

I had prayed so much, exercised so much faith, put in so much trust and hope and work. Needless to say, that experience absolutely bewildered me and shook me to the core. I didn't know if Heavenly Father really answered prayers anymore. I didn't think He heard me. I didn't have faith in the process of prayer anymore.

Since then, in the almost 5 years since that happened, I have been haunted by that experience more than I have realized. It took me years to realize how little trust I had in getting answers to prayers anymore. I thought as my heart healed, and as I regained my faith that had been broken, that the whole answers to prayer thing would just heal too. But every time I have had to make life decisions, it haunts me, and it has taken me all this time to REALLY come to grips with it.

I was talking to my mom on the phone about a big decision I have in my life right now. And she said to me 

"McKenzie, you need to trust. You trust the Lord, which is wonderful and right, but you need to trust YOURSELF too."

It hit me, hard. I don't trust myself when I make decisions, even when I am prayerful about them. Which I am, ALL the time. I never make a big decision without the Lord. But even when I feel like He has given me a "yes," I doubt it. In the back of my mind I think back to the "yes" I thought I had gotten before, and how horribly that turned out. And it paralyzes me. And I doubt my decision. Even with a feeling of "yes" from the Lord it truly is rare for me to feel ALL IN about something. I analyze it OH so much. I take away the peace that should be mine. I have so much anxiety.

But, it is teaching me so much. Even as I write this I am getting clarity. I truly believe that those years ago, I did get a yes. Why wouldn't it have been? That was the ideal. If that boy had acted according to correct principles, and not out of fear, and been the man he was supposed to be, there was every reason in the world we would have been wonderful together if he had kept choosing the right. It could have been a yes.

But that's just it. You can't force people. God doesn't force people. He doesn't make you choose the right, even if it effects someone else's life- like his choice effected and even changed mine. I learned a very crucial and difficult lesson because of that. It may not have been fair, BUT it was what I needed.  

And now, I see that it is for the best that the whole situation with him turned out the way it did. And I am grateful that because of that experience, I have changed 1000%. Most of the time I feel like I don't even know that girl from those years ago. 

I may still have lingering doubts and difficulties with receiving answers to prayers but it comes down to this-
I KNOW THAT HEAVENLY FATHER ANSWERS PRAYERS. 

All of them. Every single last one.

Whether it is with a yes

no

not now

or silence for a time.

Prayers ARE answered. Because He loves us. Absolutely and perfectly. He wants to lead and guide and help and answer. Our part is to decide, to pray,and to move forward TRUSTING that He will answer in one way, at one time or another. That NO MATTER WHAT IT WILL BE OKAY. No matter how it turns out. 

Hold to hope, pray unceasingly, & trust in His will, timing, and plan.

Utahpalooza

Last month my little sister came out to Utah to visit me for her birthday! She was only here a few days but I can say it was the best few days I have spent in Utah, hands down. She's my bff and I miss her so much! No one really understands how close we are. We have been inseparable ever since starting homeschool together 11 (YIPE!) years ago.  We just have done everything together for the last decade+. We have been a constant in each other's lives while other friends have faded, moved, gotten married, etc. So it was SO super hard to say goodbye to her when I moved here almost 5 months ago!

I am SO grateful that she got to come visit. My roommates asked me what I planned for us, and most of our plans, to be honest, revolved around food. HAHA! So many yummy places out here that aren't back east. We were reunited with Kneaders, fell DEEPLY in love with Fiiz, devoured pizza at The Pie, nibbled on Yogurtland, and more. Such a yummy, gluttonous few days. We were seriously sick by the end haha.

In between eating we explored and I got to show her some places I have been wanting to since I've come out here. We went to The District and caught a movie, saw the UP house in Herriman, took in the Bountiful and Ogden Temples, saw The Finest Hours (SO GOOD) at Station Park which she fell in love with like I have. We projected some quality chick flicks and disney movies on a screen at my house while we savored Fiiz and pizza, and more. It was just all so perfect and we had SO much fun! Take me back! It was incredibly hard to put her on a plane to fly back home.
When I moved out here, and had to drop my mom off at the airport and hug her goodbye, I think the Lord was seriously shielding me from the sadness and fear I could have been experiencing. I was just so happy to be starting my adventure and excited for the possibilities. I didn't really feel anything, because it didn't feel real.

But since then I have had the some of the hardest days I never knew were coming. I have felt absolute, thick & gripping loneliness that has gripped me so hard at times that sometimes I feel like I will lose my mind. There have been many solo trips to the movies, to grab food, go shopping, church events, etc, many days and nights spent alone.Because of these experiences, I had a very different time this trip to the airport. I barely pulled away before I burst into tears. The feeling of utter and completely loneliness was staring me in the face and I didn't want any part of it. I knew what was waiting for me this time. There was no naiveté.

I am so grateful that even though I can feel and be completely and utterly alone, I never truly am. Heavenly Father and His Son live. They are there. They have been my comfort, solace, and Best Friends this whole time. I am grateful I can pray and receive comfort and peace, and a feeling of love that takes over, even in the dark, lonely times.

I am so grateful my family that God has given me. I don't think I could ever fully express how much they all mean to me. I am SO,SO,SO blessed. And I am so grateful for a little sister that has been my sidekick all these years. It was so wonderful to have her visit and celebrate her being alive for 25 awesome years! Heaven knows I needed her all this time, and this amazing visit.

Utah Yo! Month One

I cannot believe I have been in Utah for over a month now! That just blows my mind. But at the same time, has it really only been a little over a month?! It's crazy.

Life is so, so different for me than it was just 1 month ago. Between all the newness surrounding me, and getting to know myself even more, I feel like a completely different person almost.

There have definitely been some HARD days. One particularly rough and disappointing night I was driving home fighting back tears of frustration, just feeling dumbfounded, praying to the Lord saying, "I'm DONE! I don't know what else you want from me. I.am.DONE!" It took everything in me not to pack up my car and high tail it out of Utah the next day.

But you know what? I am glad I stayed. There are still hard days. But there are SO many blessings to make up for them. And even in the hard days, I feel myself being strengthened and blessed and given peace that passeth all understanding. I know that the Lord has been upholding me and sending His angels to bear me up. That's for sure.

I have 2 really amazing roommates. We talk so easily with each other. We're starting to have lots of gab fests and lots of "dating, uuuuuugggggghhh talks." haha. It is definitely a blessing that the Lord has given me in the form of two such amazing people to share a home with!

Coming to a place where I know absolutely NO one has definitely made me really self-aware. Which leads to being self conscious more than I'd like to admit, but even more so, it has made me just realize more who I am as a person, how I think, what's going on with me emotionally and mentally, etc.

For instance, ever since a really difficult, life-altering break up a few years ago, I KNEW that I had put up a lot of walls around myself, and my heart. And as time went on, no matter how much I wanted it differently, I felt myself just steel-reinforcing those walls. And I thought in the healing that has taken place since then that I had gotten rid of those walls completely. Well, moving here has definitely made me aware that those walls are still there. Not as big and strong and impassable as before, but they linger. And I am glad that I am able to realize that now. Because now I am trying to make conscious efforts to open up more and let people in. And I am learning that opening up and everything doesn't equal getting hurt. Yes there is that risk, but you also are able to let a lot really amazing people in as well.

I started this post just intending to post some pictures and give a brief narrative of what's been going on here in Utah for me...so I am not sure I got here, but oh well. haha. So anyways....

One of my favorite, scratch that, my FAVORITE thing about being in Utah are all the temples here! It is AMAZING! I have made a point to go to one at least once a week, even if sometimes that means just sitting outside and playing a conference talk or BYU speech while parked, looking at it. It makes me SO happy. Words cannot describe how much I love the Lord's temples.And I can't get over how there are at LEAST 9 temples within 45 minutes of my house- that I have been to at least. There are probably more! haha.

So without further ado- here is the last month+ of my life in UT in pictures:

In the Land of Skype

Welp, I did it. I officially moved from my beloved Pennsylvania to Utah! It's funny(not really), leading up to it there was SO much opposition and I doubted myself A LOT. When moving day came, I woke up in a bad mood and everything in me seemed to scream "DON'T GO. IT'S EASIER HERE." But I immediately got down on my knees and said a prayer asking for courage and peace. And almost instantly, it started to fill me. I know it was totally the Grace of God filling me to make this ginormous and difficult step. Because hugging my family and saying "see you later "was NOT easy. Especially to my little 2 year old niece and 4 year old nephew, looking up at me with wide eyes having no idea why I needed to go. My little niece didn't quite grasp what was going on. I remember her saying "I go ress-ah-rahn (restaurant) wif you??"

My nephew spent the last few weeks up until my move trying to convince me I didn't really have to go to Utah. But then when others questioned me why, like my Grammy, he defended me saying,"She just needs an adventure!"

I had several talks with him telling him why I felt I needed to move, that I love him no matter where I am, that we can visit as much as possible, and keep in touch over the phone and Skype. I kept telling him, "Don't worry buddy, we are going to Skype!" So later, during one of our many reassuring talks together, that very literal and imaginative 4 year old boy told me that he thinks he knows where Skype is, and that it was a land far away that you need a giant bridge to reach. haha.

That kid.

My mom ended up making the drive across the country with me, which I am SO,SO grateful for. It went so much faster that way, and we had a really enjoyable time. Minus driving through at least 8 hours of solid rain one day and,well, Wyoming is too deserted for my taste haha. But in addition to the physical strength, the Lord gave me courage, peace, and grace to make the journey, and to be able to drop my mom off at the airport without breaking down and giving up.

I have felt him with me every step, every mile, every minute of every day. I have been blessed beyond what I deserve, and beyond measure. And He has shielded me from so much this first week of my adventure.

We stopped at the Indianapolis, Indiana Temple. LOVED it! SO gorgeous!

Big, empty Nebraska. 

My mom and I went to see the Ogden Temple while she was here. One of my FAVORITE things about UT is being SO close to SO many temples!

Today was the first really hard day. I went to my new ward, and I don't know, I think it just clicked for me-this is all new. I don't know anyone in this building right now. I don't have my friends here with me. And I started feeling very,very alone. I tried very hard to focus on what was being said, because there were SO many things being spoken that I knew were inspired and the Lord needed me to hear. But I couldn't shut up that voice in my head for long, nagging me. filling me with doubt and telling me

"WHAT HAVE YOU DONE? YOU CAN'T DO THIS. YOU'RE NOT STRONG ENOUGH. YOU'RE NOT AS PRETTY AS ALL THESE OTHER GIRLS. YOU'RE ALONE. YOU'RE SCREWED UP. YOU CAN'T FEEL NORMAL. THIS IS TOO HARD. GO BACK HOME." 

I'd like to say that I told Satan to take a hike, put a smile on my face, and went on my merry way. But after sacrament I found myself, without even realizing it, practically running to my car and fighting back tears as I drove away. But thankfully, as I drove, I did what I knew I should have done in the first place- I prayed. And I prayed the whole way to the Bountiful Temple where I parked, cried,and prayed some more. I put on a BYU speech by Richard G. Scott and listened to it while staring at the Temple. And then, the peace started to come. 

Sitting outside the Bountiful Temple- my new favorite UT Temple! LOVE having so many so close by!

No, everything is not magically ok.

No, I don't seem to have anything figured out.

Yes, I still have the doubt that creeps in, A LOT.

But, stronger, more overwhelming, bigger, better, and more real to me than all of that is the peace. And it's God's love for me, individually. The knowledge that He knows me, ME, personally, by name. That when I weep, He surely matches my tears with His own. That I have a Savior, my Elder Brother, Jesus Christ that chose to suffer for me- everything I have and will experience, that CHOSE to do this for me, so I can come back to Him. And until I do, I have Him with me in everything I do. In every choice I make. In every new place I go. He never leaves nor forsakes me. He knows exactly how I feel because He has been there billions of times over. And He would do it all over again if it were necessary, just for me. That astounds me. I love Him with all that I am, as little as that may seem to be. I am here and doing this to be the woman He wants and needs me to be. I don't know the future. I don't know the answers to all my problems. But I don't have to. I know Him, and I know that in Him I can trust. And I am putting absolutely everything I can into that, and I know that He will not fail me.

@At All Times

The ground beneath my feet is open wide

What has happened to 2015?!

I had such good intentions of keeping up with my blog this year. I wanted to get back into it again. But I dunno, my motivation for blogging hit an all time low.  Hence not posting since January (whoops).

But I used to love my little corner of the internet here.  And I want to again.  This is my space and I don't feel the need to have it become something fake- just to attract more readers and get lots of page views.  I just want it to be mine. What I like. What I want to say.  And so it shall be.

Lots of things have been happening for me- including an upcoming move! I am going back to Utah!

When I left Utah in 2013 I never thought I'd say that.  But here we are. haha.  It's funny how the Lord works.  I feel like He is definitely leading me back there, and He has definitely opened up the way for me to go, and I am SO grateful.

For about 2 years (actually, like, 8 if I am being reeeeeaaally honest), but ESPECIALLY the last 2 years, I have been SO anxious and antsy. I am ready for a change.  I am ready for new faces, new places, new opportunities.

In explaining to my family and friends just why I am picking up and heading 2,000ish miles across the country I have told them the same thing. I LOVE Pennsylvania. I love the rolling green hills. I love the people (for the most part, haha), I love being near my family and the best friends I have here, I love the changes of the seasons, I love that I am so close to a lot of cool places- like DC, Philly, etc. I love it.  I used to really resent PA but after my first move to Utah, I still remember coming home and driving across the PA state line and being like AH. HOME. I have lots of warm fuzzy feelings for it now. But not matter how much I love it, if I stay exactly where I am, that's just it, that will be EXACTLY where I am. I can predict what the next several years of my life will be like. Nothing will change the way I want it to. And I'm not okay with that.

So here's to new starts. New faces. New people. New places. New experiences. New challenges. New me. I am SO excited! (Except when I think about the real life, adult, nitty gritty details I get SO freaked out!) But I know I am not alone. The Lord is with me wherever I go. And I am ready to go.

My New Shop! -The Prints & Me

For the past few months I have been swamped with my new endeavor... my own etsy shop- The Prints & Me.  

This has been something I have dreamed of doing and been working on opening for literally YEARS.  Finally things lined up and I took my leap of faith and opened it on November 12th.  I have had a very successful and exciting first few weeks, and if I am being honest...VERY nerve-wracking, especially in the beginning.  It is really hard to put yourself out there like that, hoping people will buy what you have worked so hard on, and invested so much time, energy, money, etc in.  

My shop is a little different and I LOVE it. It has been such a blessing to me already!  

I offer a few different things.

First, if you know me, you know I LooooooOOOoooVE One Direction. Like, a whole lotta love there.  And I also have been designing tshirts since I was a teenager.  Well, I put the two together and behold:

My own original line of One Direction Shirts

I am so proud of these babies! It is so amazing to see them in real life and hold them in my hand and wear them myself, not to just invision them on my computer screen.  What's even more amazing is seeing other people wear them! I have had people send me pictures of them in these that they have bought and it is so surreal and exciting! I am so happy with them!

I also have a line of original prints...but I'll save them for another post:)
Please check out my shop and give it a like on Etsy!
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