Sunday, June 5, 2016

I dare you to move

Here I am writing this from my hometown, in PA.
I am not in Utah anymore.

Back at the end of February I knew that my lease was ending within a few months, and that I had to be figuring out the next step in my life.
I made the decision to come back home and be around my family and look for some new dream on the east coast.
I was so excited about my decision. I couldn't wait to be within a reasonable distance to all my loved ones.
It all seemed so perfect, with my lease and job ending at the same time, and no prospects for a new job or place to live on the horizon, it seemed like everything was telling me to go.
I prayed about it. I prayed about it a LOT. Every day. And I told the Lord my decision to come back home. I never really felt one way or the other- like I had received a particular answer, like the Lord confirming YES, this was right.  But I never got a NO either. I figured the Lord was telling me to go for it, He would stop me if it wasn't what I was supposed to do. 
I started living my life with my mind constantly on "this isn't permanent, I will be going home soon."
Plans were made, I told everyone I was leaving. My room in my house was rented. My job was ending. My family purchased plane tickets and rented a car to come help me make the 2000 mile move. Everything seemed to be perfect.
But if I am being honest, I always had a bit of a funny feeling deep down about it. I figured it was just anxiousness about the move and fear over the whole "NOW WHAT??" scenario I'd be in again. But I wanted to make sure that I was making the right decision. So I started changing my prayers. I told the Lord that I had decided to move back to PA, and that if that was the wrong decision, I needed Him to stop me, because I had no reason to stay and every reason to go. Or so I thought.
And until mid April (aka 2 weeks before I was supposed to leave), I was positive I had mad the right choice. 
Then I visited the Temple, like I did every Sunday after church while in Utah. That Sunday I chose to go to Temple Square- the first time I had gone in my 6 months in Utah. As I walked around that beautiful, peaceful, perfect building, and sat on a nearby bench taking in its grandeur, I felt such pangs of sadness at the thought of leaving.  I tried my best to brush them aside, because duh I'd be sad, I had loved living in Utah. And who wouldn't be sad leaving such a beautiful place? But my time had run it's course. I had loved it. It was what I needed for those 6 months. Now on to different things. I was ready to be close to my family. I was ready for the east coast again. 
After leaving the Temple grounds I started on the drive down to Riverton to see Al Fox Carraway speak at a fireside. As I drove through downtown Salt Lake, I received the distinct impression, as if it were words coming to my mind that said 
"This isn't your last chapter in Utah." 
I was dumbstruck. And as I continued to drive and look at the mountains and take in the sky, I felt it again, "This isn't your last chapter in Utah." Again and again it came to me on the entire drive. I was becoming frustrated and I just tried to shut out my thoughts.
As I listened to Al speak, I could barely keep myself from falling apart. She told her story of how she was converted, and received the impression to move to Utah. She spoke of how hard it was for her (she's an east coast native, like me). She said how much she didn't understand it or really want to do it. But she also said how RIGHT it was and that she knew that's what she needed to do. Even if it didn't make sense. Even if it wasn't what she wanted. Even if  NO ONE else (including her) understood why she was doing it, she knew she needed to go. I was holding back sobs the entire time. Like, I'm talking the ugly, uncontrollable, makeup all over, red face, hysteric kind. I kept thinking "Is this your answer Heavenly Father? Is this you stopping me? Is this you telling me I need to be here???"
After the fireside I couldn't get to my car fast enough. As soon as I started to drive away, I began to pray, telling Heavenly Father that I was all set to go. I didn't have a place to live anymore. I didn't have a job anymore. Tickets were purchased. Plans were made. I wanted my family. I wanted to be on the east coast. Period. 
"WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME THIS NOW??" I practically shouted, sobbing uncontrollably. WHY? WHY? I DON'T UNDERSTAND! And I continued to tell Him all the reasons I needed to go. 
I didn't really get any peace. I didn't feel better. And for the next two weeks, my last days in Utah, I tried convincing myself that moving was the right thing to do. And I continued to tell myself that over and over again as I drove the 2000 miles home.
Life doesn't make sense at all to me right now. I have no idea what I am doing. I feel guilty all the time because all I can think about doing is leaving. And no one will understand that. And they will be upset at my leaving. But it's what I know deep in my heart is right. And because now, it is what I want to do. It messes with all my plans. It makes no sense. And I have absolutely no idea how I am going to make it happen, or when, or anything. But I do know one thing: Heavenly Father answers prayers. And they never seem to be in the way you think they should or would be. But I know that everything He does is for my eternal good and happiness. 
I know that I can trust Him and that He understands perfectly why He needs me where He does. I know that He is patient and loving and forgiving, even when I am stubborn and make choices that I shouldn't. Even when I lack faith. 
He loves me still
And that, is all I need to know right now.

No comments:

Post a Comment